only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality.-Douglas Porter
born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel
I understand that Scissors
can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to
magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper
do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take
notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play
rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper
I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you,
The only thing I regret about high school
is that I didn’t get to do half the things I heard I did
When I was young I feared I was adopted...now
I fear I wasn't...
Don't get high on life... cereal hurts when
it gets stuck up your nose.
I'm feeling a little off today... anyone
want to turn me on?
Whatever floats your boat, as long as you
don't throw anyone overboard.
What if you're in hell
and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Nod and agree, and remember,
crazy people run faster.
4 out of 5 voices in my head say go
back to sleep
Ever stop to think, and forget to start
When I’m feeling down, I like
to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and choke himself.
There are easier things in life than
finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.
Curiosity didn’t kill the cat;
it made the kittens
Curiosity killed the cat but the monkey
gets away with murder!
The dumber people think
you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them
All men make mistakes
but married men find out about them sooner.
This isn't a school. It's
Hell with fluorescent lighting
Whoever said nothing is impossible never
tried to slam a revolving door.
When my ship comes in
I’ll probably be at the airport
Half of life is fucking
up - the other half is dealing with it.
An optimist thinks that
this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
Snow White. Cinderella.
All about wanting a guy, being saved by the guy. Today it's Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas. All about getting a guy.
So basically we're screwed up because of Disney.
Tell a man there are 300
billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. Put a 'wet paint' sign on a bench; he'll touch it just to be sure. There’s
no accounting for human nature
At all the weddings, my aunts used to
come up to me poling me in the ribs saying, 'You're next!' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.