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Heavenesque Perception
She sits atop the highest building
With her feet dangling off the edge
Contemplating life, or the lack-there-of
In the largest city she's imagined so far.
It's taken all of her seventeen years
But she's built it brick by brick,
Modeling it after a sick sort of reality
We've all come to accept as normal.
She is not part of it, she never will be;
She simply watches as a world unfolds.
The metal is cold against her bare legs
Though she has yet to even feel it,
Her addiction to this heavenesque perception
Has caused her to drift a little too far.
She gets lost in the lives of her fictional world
As she becomes too enthralled by the illusion
Of the whithering love, the blossoming hate
And the possibility to finally let go of both
That she has separated herself from reality.
Eyes to the stars, ears to the walls
She finally hears her once whispered cries
And life in her world writes itself in her absence
Before she realizes she has given up control.
She is overtaken by a vaguely familiar scene below
As a boy runs blindly and purposely down a dark alley
And a girl, sobbing, tries desperately to follow
Though it is apparent she is not meant to catch him.
Suddenly her feet are firmly planted on the ground
Her pedestal revoked by sheer will of avoidance
She is cold for the first time in a long time
And she can feel the tears as they mark her face
And her heart, her perfectly wounded heart,
Is beating itself straight out of her chest.
She has become the fantasy she created.
She is running, but not away this time,
She's passing street after street in pursuit
Of a dream, of a reason, of a life, of a boy
And she knows she's not supposed to catch him
She's written this heartbreaking scene herself
But no matter the odds against it she keeps running
Pushing the boundaries of a world she drew
To be as beautifully ironic as it is imperfect.
Her feet slam the pavement in beat to her heart
As her breathing becomes harder to control
He's an arm's length away, a fingertip's.
Her hand graces his tattered shirt, he flinches
And then the world stops as her hand grasps his
Her ending has been overcome, her story overwritten
And fantasy bleeds forever into a broken reality.
They sit atop the highest building
With their feet dangling off the edge
Contemplating life and the irony of love
In the smallest city they've imagined so far
It's taken all of their seventeen years
But here they sit, side by side
In a fantastic reality built for two.
A World Changed
She walks a road she hasn't traveled
Since he abandoned her there alone
Nothing to her name but a duffelbag
And a dream of something bigger
Than he, or her town, could ever offer.
She has since followed it to it's end
As it branched off into a reality
She isn't sure she was ready for
But she survived, if only barely
On memories of him
And a town left purposely behind.
She is returning changed
Her perception a little twisted
A little darker, a little sadder
Her eyes a little more shattered
Than she would have wished
And it saddens her to realize
Even the path she retraces
Has changed in her absence.
It's smaller somehow, less surprising
The twists and bends less frightening
It is simply one of the many abandoned roads
No more special than any other she will cross.
There are memories scattered across it,
But they've faded to faint whispers of her past
Barely tangible after all these years
And it's sad to realize she can't go back.
And as this road fades into his eyes
She looks into unfamiliar territory.
They don't even seem as blue anymore,
The color muted by his calculated distance.
She opens her mouth to say something
Maybe that she's sorry, or that she's home,
Or maybe simply that she missed him
But the words are not there, not anymore.
And so she nods, a single tear escaping,
Picks up her duffel bag and continues on.
Her head held high, eyes to the sky
She follows that same road the other way
She's never ventured in this direction
And the promise of the unknown comforts her
It stretches on for what feels like forever
And somewhere, someday, she knows
She will find something bigger, something better,
And that one day she will return to these streets, to him,
And find comfort in what was, but can never be again.
High School Years
It's freshman year for her today
The first time she's walked these halls
It seems huge to her, frightening at first
She feels small, almost insignificant.
Lost in a crowd of semi-strangers all year
She makes friends, creates herself, deceives
And by the time it's over almost fits in.
It's sophomore year for her today
She walks the halls with purpose this time
It doesn't seem as huge or quite as frightening
She feels normal, just another face in the crowd.
She's comforted by the familiar faces all year
She makes enemies, overcomes heartbreak, confesses
And by the time it's over almost stands up.
It's junior year for her today
She walks the halls unaffected, it's become routine
It seems a lot smaller, neither frightening nor exciting
She feels exposed, suddenly looked up to by others.
Friends always within an arms length all year
She makes mistakes, finds love, confides
And by the time it's over almost stands out.
It's senior year for her today
She walks the halls in fond reflection
It seems comfortably small, so safe and sheltered
She feels untouchable, a queen without a crown.
Surrounded by best friends and memories all year
She makes choices, finds acceptance, grows
And by the time it's over almost lets go.
It's graduation for her today
She walks the aisle in nervous hesitation
It seems groundbreaking to her, beyond frightening
She feels conflicted, loving and hating this all at once.
Surrounded by friends, foes and family today
She makes promises, frees herself, cries
And by the time it's over almost says goodbye.
Everything Changes
I've always been taught that everything changes,
And yet here we stand exactly where we always have,
About an inch from where we both secretly want to be.
No amount of confession or truth can break this spell,
That's keeping us this devastatingly small distance apart,
I know because I've tried; oh how I've tried.
It took everything I was to let you as far inside as I have;
Everything and yet you look at me as if it's nothing.
At this point I have no secrets, no deceptions,
No half-truths or carefully laid lies to fall back on.
I have no safety net, no gray area to run back to when this all falls apart,
Because in those few seconds when you were completely real,
I threw everything I was at you with an honesty I didn't know I had,
In blind hopes that it could make you want to be saved.
I confessed a love I have yet to fully understand and you didn't even react.
There was nothing, no split second heartbreak, no sudden confessions of your own,
No emotion at all, nothing to save me from the words you wouldn't say.
I laid myself on the line and you just left me there.
I don't know where to go from here; I've hit my limit.
But it hurts to know that I can't give up, I just can't.
It's not a choice, it's not something I can just turn off,
I can't give up on you, but I need to know you won't give up on me either.
I need you to say something, anything, just stop standing there like that.
Break my heart if you have to, scream at me for ruining your little world,
Where you are completely unloved and safe from everyone but yourself.
Hurt me in the truest sense, but don't just abandon me here,
Don't think I will be okay because I won't this time.
I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be.
Random Moment
It was just a day, one of the many they'd had together.
It wasn't special in any overly obvious way.
It was just one of those random weekdays,
No date attached until it later became important.
It was the the 14th, they'd remember later,
Or more importantly could not forget.
It had been raining, raining so hard and yet so softly.
Looking back they'd see that they'd never felt rain before this,
Nor would they ever again, never quite to this degree.
It opitimized the term rainstorm, generated a memory within them,
So that each time they thought of rain in the future,
They thought of this moment, this very instant in time.
They were standing side by side,
Neither daring to touch nor speak to the other,
Soaked through the thin layers of clothing they had on,
And both had begun to shiver,
Lips turning a shade of blue even the sky couldn't touch.
Because of the cold, because of the loneliness,
Because of the words still charging the air.
They were almost two miles from their destination.
The rain was coming down in waves around them,
And they felt nothing, not the cold, not the wet,
Nothing except this utter need to be real.
If they couldn't be real here, together, in the rain,
Where could they?
Something was happening, or had already happened,
Or was going to happen so soon that it all bled together.
Neither was aware of time, or reality, or even themselves,
There was only the other, standing those two inches away,
Those two painful inches that neither could bare to cross.
It was a boundary, one they had never tested, never questioned,
The one law they'd never thought to break, and it lie it tatters.
Three words had shredded its entire existance.
Three words that neither had really known they were waiting for,
Listening so intently for that they had almost missed them.
It was so utterly random, so unexpected and out of place,
And yet it was perfect, meant for this second in time.
They had been running, full force, on their way to god knows where,
Off to battle the world together, or in this case, escape the rain,
They were laughing, dancing, joking, twirling round and round.
They were so happy, so carefree, enjoying every drop the heavens gave.
The thunder cracked increasing their delight, and her fear.
They loved it, living on the edge, forcing the limit, being scared,
Until three words escaped both their mouths with the same intensity.
They'd meant to say 'I love this', or 'I love the rain'.
They'd screamed it like they had for years,
Just stopped at some random moment together,
And shouted it at the top of their lungs,
Pausing the world, the rain, and themselves.
Side by side, together they screamed,
And "I love you" were the only three words that came.
Goodbye
She had walked these same halls
for what felt like her entire life,
but today they seemed different,
smaller somehow, but still all-consuming.
Maybe it was the fact that she was leaving,
so purposely, so absolutely, so finally,
that made it all seem so strange.
There was no coming back after this, ever.
There was no 'I'll see you tomorrow'
or 'have a good weekend' or 'we'll catch up later'.
This was it for her, for them all really,
but no one wanted to say it.
It was the scariest two syllable word they'd ever heard,
known, wanted to say but couldn't.
She'd written it over and over in yearbook after yearbook,
and it killed her a little more each time,
as the faces became more familiar,
and the memories more concrete.
It still was not real though, not if they didn't say it.
They could write it in every color ink imaginable,
and it would still be just a word to them.
As she stood frozen in this sickeningly comfortable world,
she knew all of this, knew this was the end.
She knew that if she could get her legs to move,
and stop her tears from blinding her,
she would walk away from here and never look back,
but did she want to?
That was the question.
That was the problem.
She needed to be able to leave,
to walk away, to never look back,
to be okay without these people, this place.
But what she wanted more than anything,
was to stay for one more day.
to have one last chance to be ready to say,
the one word so many feared.
She did not have another day or another chance,
and so she forced her legs to move,
and wiped her flooding eyes.
She took a deep breath,
steeling herself for this moment,
and forced herself to walk out those doors
and away from this life.
Gaining a certain strength in this,
she finally whispered one final word,
the one so many feared, "Goodbye."
And then she was gone,
a bittersweet smile battling the tears.
Memory Radio
Faint traces of music drift
To my ears in the lonely night
Words
barely audible yet familiar
A little too familiar this time
Taking me back to times and places
I never knew I
had left behind.
Intending to turn the radio off
I only manage to increase the volume
Hoping you will somehow
hear
And miraculously return
To sing each broken phrase with me
Knowing it's foolish to believe you will
I
get lost in the memories each song brings.
"Seven sins of wantonness and"
You were every one of mine
We whispered
the words together and
Although Shimmer was always your favorite
You were nothing but Bittersweet to me.
"Just
a day, just an ordinary day"
Never came close to being ordinary
As you sang along slightly embarressed
I swore
I'd never tell, secretly listening closely
I got lost in every word with you.
"One step closer to recovery"
Was
still too many steps away
I'm left thinking of times and fears before
You sing along so passionately
I imagine
you must be as well.
"These hospital walls are the palest of white"
And that was too much for me to handle
I
switched the song, leaving you confused
Never attempting to explain my reasons
You thought you knew, I'm betting you
didn't.
"Let's start out, by starting over"
Is much easier said than ever done
You joked about old scars and
I didn't laugh
I didn't even hear the rest of the song
For I was trying too hard not to react.
"These wounds
won't seem to heal"
But were just as easily disguised
By your smiling face and sparkling eyes
You sang along with
a purpose
I pretended I didn't want to know.
And my hands are shaking
And my eyes are tearing up
And my
throat is raw with emotion
I swore I'd never show again
And I'm loving every painful second
Of this torture my
radio is inflicting.
I'm screaming the words now
Louder than I ever have before
Begging, pleading for you
to save me
From every memory I can't forget
And suddenly there isn't any sound
For you are standing in the doorway
Hand silencing our history.
I walk over, barely able to stand
And your fingers stop every word
From ever
leaving my wounded lips
Music once again fills the room
As you sing along to me
And I start to forget how badly
it hurt
To watch you walk away.
Silently you promise forever
And I reply with fond memory "Only forever?"
Staring with nothing but love into your eyes
I once again begin to whisper each broken phrase
As you continue to
softly sing to me
And every memory is rewritten
And every pain is taken away
And every fear is silenced
For
you have returned to me.
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