I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.

The only thing I regret about high school is that I didn’t get to do half the things I heard I did

When I was young I feared I was adopted...now I fear I wasn't...

Don't get high on life... cereal hurts when it gets stuck up your nose.

I'm feeling a little off today... anyone want to turn me on?

Whatever floats your boat, as long as you don't throw anyone overboard.

What if you're in hell and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Nod and agree, and remember, crazy people run faster.

4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and choke himself.

There are easier things in life than finding a good man.  Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

Curiosity didn’t kill the cat; it made the kittens

Curiosity killed the cat but the monkey gets away with murder!

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them

All men make mistakes but married men find out about them sooner.

This isn't a school. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.

When my ship comes in I’ll probably be at the airport

Half of life is fucking up - the other half is dealing with it.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Snow White. Cinderella. All about wanting a guy, being saved by the guy. Today it's Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas. All about getting a guy. So basically we're screwed up because of Disney.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. Put a 'wet paint' sign on a bench; he'll touch it just to be sure. There’s no accounting for human nature

At all the weddings, my aunts used to come up to me poling me in the ribs saying, 'You're next!' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.