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Her flame will burn forever in his battered
and broken heart.
The lies will never save her, but they make her feel so safe.
He's losing control so rapidly
that he doesn't realize it is already gone, and she can only watch from afar as he slowly comes undone.
Every teardrop
held a world she had, if only briefly, given up on. And as each trailed down her cheek to get lost within the rest, it was
just another world she'd never get back.
She couldn't survive without him, but each day his presence broke her spirit
a little more.
She cannot bear to stay anymore than she can run away.
Every road will lead to him, no matter
the twists and turns, and she will follow blindly as the pain of the journey burns.
And when the demons crept in deeper
than they ever had before, he swallowed back another pill and purposely locked his door.
She's not afraid of him,
but of the way he makes her feel.
He was as broken as was possible without completely falling apart, and she knew
this. She knew he was broken, and she still continued to chip away at what little pieces were still intact.
A blank
page lies before her, mocking her attempts to explain how she is feeling. This is the most recent of letters never written,
but still received. For he sits just far enough away to see every word cross her mind without her knowing.
I'm scared,
not of losing him, but of losing a part of myself.
Love is the answer to every question you won't ask.
Her
depression was just as invisible as she had always wished she could be.
Breathing is an impossibility when love has
you by the throat.
She'd whispered subtle confessions of love for so long, but that was the first day he chose to
truly hear them.
To say he loved her was an understatement. He would die for her, but for the same reasons he couldn't
live for her, too.
She loved him probably more than even she realized as the years wore on and friendship faded into
much more than it was supposed to.
I'm scared, not of him, but of losing myself within him.
Depression is
a state of mind she easily welcomed.
She confessed her love as if it'd save him, but he didn't want a reason to stay.
He just shook his head, tears barely masked, and pushed her further away.
He was so perfectly imperfect in a world
just as broken as he was becoming. She could do nothing to help him, he would not let her. And somehow she loved him more
for the fact that he wanted to conquer his utterly broken view of the world by himself, or not at all.
It was an eathershattering
moment when the phone rang at such a late hour, it was such a time that could only every bring bad news, and this was no exception.
Can you repair a broken heart any more than you can stop it from breaking?
Forgive me father for my sin. The
lies have filtered through and the truth is wearing thin.
We'd been friends for what felt like forever. We had shared
secrets that we'd never dared to speak to another soul. We knew each other inside and out. And somehow I had allowed myself
to ruin that. I crossed a line somewhere along the way, and I broke his trust. But still there he sat, listening to me apologize
over and over, and hearing me ask what I could ever do to make it up to him. He only asked one question, one that should have
been easy, "What is the one thing that would make me happy right now?" I was speechless. I knew what I wanted the answer to
be. I wanted to scream it at him, while he sat there so broken and hurt, but I couldn't. For some reason I couldn't tell him
I loved him. And even worse, after all these years, I had no idea what made him happy.
I sever every tie to my mind with this already
bloodied knife. Bidding a not so sad farewell to a not so perfect life. And I smile at every soul I'm leaving
unknowingly behind. Hoping they will never notice a suicide of this kind.-me
If fear is a sin, pack my bags and send me
straight to hell.-me
Everyone has secrets, everyone lies to protect
them, and everyone gets hurt because of it.-me
Welcome to my world. Keep hands and
arms inside the vehicle at all times, for stops are frequent and unexpected. It's easier to stop if you don't know where
you're going. Believe me, this ride is my life, it never ends, but it sure as hell stops.-me
He is getting stronger, or rather his disease
is. That's what I've decided depression really is, or the kind he's being subjected to anyway. it's inside and
it's attacking him slowly, spreading through his most vital organs, taking over his mind and body one agonizing day after
another. It is not a sickness, it cannot be cured. It can go into remission, but you never fully recover
from depression. It never goes away.-me
Almost there, headed nowhere, and losing my
way all the same-me
I can't heal by writing these confessions
in a diary and locking it all between the pages because it is not reality. These lines are not reality, they are my
version of the world, my fucked up take on reality. There are lies and half-truths and false confessions woven between
the pieces of blind truth. It's an outlet--creatively, psychologically, habitually. It's not real. It wants
to be, it wants to climb off these pages and gain life, but it can't. As much as I want to believe writing will someday
save me, it can't.-me
Craziness in few forms can be justified, but
let it be remembered that I tried.-me
We are who we have let ourselves be from day
one.-me
I don't know how my life became about him,
but it did. Even before I knew him, before I knew anyone like him could exist, I was waiting. For him, for this
utterly glorious thing that can only be described as love-me
I am the girl destined to always be waiting
for him. I love to hate it sometimes, but I always will be waiting because he is and always will be the boy that runs
away-me
My whole life I've tried to fit in, even if
I didn't want to admit it. I wanted the friends, the boys, the popularity. And now that it means so much for me
to know who I am, I have no idea. I tried so hard to blend in that I lost all the things that made me stand out.-me
Who am I? I'm a writer. I'm a
daydreamer. I love punk rock music, but country soothes my soul. I love beautiful lyrics. I like when people
are real. I crave answers. I crave pizza at 3 in the morning sometimes, and cheesecake at 7 am. I'm a follower,
but I hope to someday have enough brains and strength to lead. I hate bananas and split second fame. I hate war.
I hate disease. I fear death. I fear loss and pain and needles. I'm still afraid of the dark sometimes,
but I crave it too. I'm terrified of love. I don't trust easily. I don't forgive easily. I believe
in friendship and that it can last forever. So who am I? You tell me.-me
And in the dark she found herself confused,
blindly grasping lyrics to keep from feeling used, and if these minds could not be her cure, the darkness would consume her
for sure.-me
Senior year, crowded halls, childhood friends,
unanswered calls, stray emotions, broken minds, fractured memory, careful binds, last chance, lied again, forever friends,
never win.-me
I'm in love with him. I'm in love with
his scars and his faults and even his fears. I love that crooked grin that only comes out when he can't stop it and
that contagious laugh that always follows. I love his deep blue eyes and the emotion they can never mask. But
if I'm honest, I fell for his sadness. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I fell for him because he wasn't
afraid to frown, he was real. There were no pretenses, no plastic smiles, no changing the subject. He was real.
He wasn't afraid to show me he was broken, so I fell hoping he would let me fix him. He never wanted to be fixed.-me
How do you begin to tell the truth if you,
yourself, believe the lies?-me
People grow up, they move away, thinking they
have left who they were behind, but the truth is we are what we choose to leave behind.-me
our happiness does not define us, the way
we overcome the sadness does-me
How do I define myself? I'm a 17-year-old
girl plagued by a past she cannot escape, clinging to a love for a boy plagued by a present he doesn't try to escape.
And I'm drowning. I'm sinking deeper into my lies and my only chance of surviving, my only lifevest, is in the hands
of a boy that can't swim through them, a boy that refuses to see the flaws within my deceit. I'm screaming, I'm flailing,
I'm sinking, and he watches, but he'll never see-me
I used to think that death was the hardest
thing to overcome. It's not. It's hard comparable really. Death is final. You watch the casket be
lowered into the ground and you mourn, but you eventually get over it. It can take years and it hurts like hell, but
it's final. that person is gone and there is no fear of a repeat. With attempted suicide there is no finality.
Nothing hurts more than someone you love trying to end their own life. Nothing compares-me
The pain of someone you love giving up on
life is probably the most excruciating you'll ever feel. It doesn't go away, it doesn't dull, if anything it only intensifies-me
She dims the lights and cues the stereo, set
to the saddest country song she's found. She opens those crisp white pages of her life and she freezes, realizing she
has nothing to say. She has no words to capture in blood, tears, or ink today. And so she closes the soon to be
dusty and yellowed pages and stashes it for future heartaches. Her pen lies as a reminder on the nightstand by her bed.
It will fall, lay forgotten, not far from today. And she will be better off without her words, her pain, her carefully
filed away past. Life demands experience, not relfection, she'll find. there will be other diaries, other pains,
other outlets, but none as all-consuming as this, none quite so damaging.-me
I will be remembered, if only briefly, by
those I will leave behind. It will be distance, death, and dirt between us and the path hard to find. But I will
be there if you care to take a look. Breathing the last breath I ever took.-me
Every confession I offer falls short of bringing
you back to me-me
Sometimes it just hurts to be with you. It hurts to look at you
and see all those horribly happy times that I know we can't go back to. It's killing me to say this to you, to even think
it to myself, but I think we're better off apart. I love you and you know that but I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry, I guess
some friendships aren't meant to last forever-me
It's hard for me to be myself after I've hurt
you so many times doing just that. I know I screwed up. I know you probably won't ever be able to look at me the same way.
I know I don't deserve it, but I need you right now. I need you to show me that I can be better. I need you to love me, so
maybe someday I can love myself again.-me
What's a girl to do when every road leads
home and the only home she's ever known is within the arms of a boy? A boy so broken he doesn't know what home means. Does
she choose not to go home? Or does she choose to return with enough heart and strength to rebuild him?-me
I was losing
myself in pieces. Every town I had briefly staked claim to held a piece of me that I would never get back. These pieces carved
a trail straight to the wreckage I had become. I had left the trail because of him. I was trying to escape the hurt I put
in his eyes, but I only managed to replace it with a harder truer pain when he caught up to find this version of me.-me
You
reach a point in growing up when it isn't about winning or losing or even simply playing anymore, it's about surviving. Surviving
the pain and the heartbreak that love and friendship and most of the time a mixture of both entail. And sometimes you reach
your limit, the last ounce of strength seeping out into the broken universe. You give up; you lose, but the fact that you
continue to survive is not changed. You will survive. We all will.-me
Life has a way of getting in the way of love
sometimes. In my case it was more a problem of love getting in the way of life.-me
What is depression really? Is there
one concrete definition, or has the meaning loosened as our generation has continued it's downhill descent? To me, depression
is simply my life. I'm not suicidal. I'm not a cutter. I don't hate the world. I don't dress completely in black. I'm just
sad. I've been sad for what feels like my entire life, but that's not true. I was happy once and I can vaguely remember what
it felt like, but I can't touch it. I can't get that happiness back, I don't know how. That's what depression is to me, knowing
what happiness is, but never being able to touch it, to feel it.-me
The darkness could cloak her tears, but it could
never suppress them-me
You know people always say never to frown
because someone might be falling in love with your smile, but all my life I've found
myself falling for his frown.-me
And the plastic smile fell to reveal his perfect
frown allowing me to truly fall for the sadness within his reality.-me
All the smiles in the world couldn't stop me
from falling for his frown.-me
They always say to fake a smile for the world, but I find frowns much more alluring.
Frowns are real, they're telling. And right now your frown is telling me how deeply I've fallen for it.-me
I always saw far more beauty within his frown
than I ever could in his forced smiles-me
And he frowned, he let that final facade fall and I saw who he truly was
for a split second. It was only then I fell in love, knowing someday I'd make him want to smile-me
We all have those temporary
moments of doubt right when it matters the most that we suck up all our courage and just blurt out everything we feel and
everything we mean. My doubts were screaming so loud within my head that I missed
mine, and now it's gone. Now he's gone.
And wouldn't you know it, she didn't miss hers.-Me
Dreams are the eyes through
which we finally begin to see-Me
Loving you was never a
problem for me, it was waiting for you to notice, waiting for you to care, waiting for the day you'd realize you needed me,
waiting for you to show one single sign that you loved me just a tiny bit. But what hurt more than any of this waiting was
knowing deep down that you'd never notice, you'd never care, you'd never need me and you'd never love me the way I wanted
you to-Me
Doing something right doesn't
mean something else can't go wrong in the process.-Me
It’s sad when you realize you’ve
missed so much because you were blind, but at the same time wish you’d never opened your eyes.-Me
The only way he found to ease his pain,
was to take out the cause-me
The only way to save some people is
to put them out of their own misery-me
Never was the hero type, might as well
go all out and be remembered as the enemy-me
I loved you when you were
with her, but knew better than to breathe a word. I loved you when you left her for all the rumors you'd heard. I loved you
when you went running back, and never second-guessed your decision. I loved you when she left you, tears clouding your vision.
I loved you with your broken heart and scars I couldn't mend. I still loved you, but I never wished to hate you more than
when you said "I'm glad we're friends."-Me
Missing you isn't the
problem, it's wondering if you'll ever come back that's killing me.-Me
Why is it we always fall for our best friends? Is it because we know we can trust them? Is
it because we know them so well? Is it because of the way they know exactly what's
going on in our heads? Or is it because they are there any day, any time, anywhere
without the promise of kisses, intimate touches or whispered sentiments of love? I
think we love them because they are there when there is nothing in it for them except for that little glimmer of hope that
maybe someday there will be.-Me
I used to be this great
writer, I wasn't afraid to voice a single thing through my pen. I could sit down
and simply become my poetry, but now... they're just words. It's just a bunch
of stanzas with monotonous words strung loosely together. I want it back. I want to go back to when the words weren't just words anymore. I want to go back to when the words were life...and I was its creator-me
You know I just turned
16 and I should be ecstatic. I can drive, I can stay out late, I can have a boyfriend
without you breathing down my throat about it... but I'm still not happy. I'm
expected to be grown up now and I'm not ready. I thought I was ready to be this
responsible adult, but the truth is all I want to do is curl up in my bed with my stuffed animals and wish it all away. I want to go back to when I didn't have fights with my friends about boys and rumors...and
sex. I just want to be a little girl again, but I can't. And it kills me to realize that I'm mature enough to know that.-me
Sometimes it just takes seeing the darkness,
truly seeing it, to appreciate the light within us all.-Me
What is about summer that makes us all
so crazy? Is it the heat? Is it
the freedom? I think we all get so crazy because we realize all at once that
life really isn't going to last forever, so we take those perfectly sunny days and live.
We live so fully in those 3 months that'd it'd be impossible not to go just a little nuts. And in the end, when the summer fades so suddenly into fall, we'll be glad we did.-Me
I want to be that perfect daughter you always tell
people I am. I wanna do everything right.
I don't want to make you yell. I want to be on time, or at least call
when I know I can't be. I wanna get straight A's.
But the truth is that I'm never going to be. I'm going to mess up, hell
I'm probably messing up right now. I know you love me, but sometimes it's hard
to try to live up to all the things you think I am. I'm average, dad, is that
enough?-me
For once I don't care
what you think about me... I don't care if you think my hair isn't right or my shoes don't match my outfit. I don't care that I don't fit into this cookie cutter high school prom queen category you seem to have. All I care about is that I'm me...and that I'm happy about it. For once I'm happy and secure in knowing that you can't take that from me, no one can.-me
And everything was perfect.
The song started on cue, you held me in your arms and it just felt right. I'd never been so comfortable in my life. But as
the last notes faded and you stepped back to look at her once again I knew. I
knew that perfect moment would stand frozen in that spot on the dance floor. A moment we could never return to, yet one that
would stand perfect for all of time. It would be our moment, forever.-me
I see you everyday and
still it hurts. I look at you and see our past and inevitably hope that someday we can go back to it. Then I remember that
I was the reason it's like this and I know that we can never go back. We don't even know each other anymore, and sometimes
that's what hurts most of all. I guess the best I can hope for is that someday, somewhere we can build something new, something
stronger. We're different people now, better people, hopefully that'll be enough.-me
We walked as we usually
did on our Sunday night outings, side by side, laughing hysterically, but it felt different this time. Without warning my fingers grazed yours and we both stopped almost without knowing it. You looked shyly into my eyes and then took hold of my trembling fingers for the first time. It was a perfect fit, just as I'd always known it would be. For
the first time I felt complete. I've no other way to explain it than to say,
it felt right. And so we walked on, hands linked perfectly together for all of
time-me
A collage of pictures
frames the mirror I look into each day. Pictures of days past, friendships left
behind, smiles that have since faded and places I can never return to. Every
day my reflection changes a little more, gets a little farther from the perfectly happy girl I once was. And it breaks my heart to see my smiling naive self frozen in a photograph mere inches from the tear-stained
mess I have become knowing that I'll never be that happy again.-me
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