My name is Jennifer,
and I used to prefer Jenny, but these days Jen sounds more normal than anything. I’m
about to turn 20 years old and I’m a sophomore in college in the biggest small town I know of. It's
simply a step up from the small town living that I had in high school. I get
straight A’s, not because I am a genius or even work hard, but simply because I did what was expected of me. I have chocolate brown hair (thanks to my lovely stylist) and brilliant blue eyes (thanks to
the mailman, since both my parents eyes were shit brown). But none of this is
truly who I am. It’s my likes and dislikes, my hopes and fears, my annoying
little quirks and beliefs, and my downfalls that define me. So if you’d
like to get to know me, listen up, because I’m about to tell it all.
I’m a bit
odd I guess you could say. I enjoy the rainy days more than the sunny ones. The way I see it, it’s more fun to splash through the mud puddles any day. I believe that the rain can cleanse us, wash away all the pain. I love toast, but only lightly toasted. It’s what my
mother calls warm bread. I like ice cream in the middle of winter. I like ice cream in the middle of summer, too. Okay, I just
like ice cream in general.
I’m completely
obsessed with alternative music. I refuse to call it punk, because punk is a
stereotype and I don’t believe in those either. I will not listen to a
band that doesn’t at least attempt to be original. I do not like lip sync-ers,
*ahem*…Ashley Simpson. I don’t like split second fame either. I love loud drums and piercing voices, but guitar players melt my heart. I believe that music can save us from depression, but I think it can prolong it if we let it too. Sometimes I think that songs are written specifically for me. You can try to tell me how completely unrealistic that is, but I will not listen. I get a little too lost in lyrics sometimes, and I let it control me.
I guess I should be afraid of that, but I’m not.
I hate bananas
and faux-lettuce that appears to me to be nothing but plastic. I eat cookie dough
right out of the tube, and no I’ve never gotten sick from it. Salmonella
is a mythical disease our parents made up to keep us from spoiling our dinner. I’m strictly a junk food kind of kid. I eat the center of my Reese cups first, and the cream in an Oreo last. I’m a chocolate freak, but I prefer Vanilla, not because I like things plain, but because it changes
prettier colors when you add sprinkles.
I’m afraid
of clowns. Mannequins terrify me, because how do I know one of them isn’t
real? I don’t. I’m afraid
of the dark, too. It doesn’t matter how old I get, none of these fears
will ever go away. When I’m not alone, though, I find the darkness exhilarating. It is in the dark, when all is hidden, that I find it easiest to let my barriers down. Trust blossoms in the dark, for whatever reason.
It’s freeing, and no matter how much I fear it, I’ve fallen in love just as passionately. I don’t trust easily, I never have, and I doubt that I ever will.
It takes a long time for me to open up, so do not be angry or impatient. It
is not you; I’ve simply been hurt a lot in the past. And old wounds are
the hardest to heal. I forgive, but I rarely forget. If by chance I do choose to trust you, be careful because I am fragile.
I will break.
I love deeply
and I find it hard to let go of things. Some may say I love too deeply, but I
don’t think that’s possible. Maybe I’m being naïve, but I believe
if you are going to love someone it has to be with all you have, or else it isn’t love, but simply lust. I’ve been in love exactly once in my life, and I don’t care if you try to tell me I’m
too young to say that, it’s true. I was in love, so deeply imbedded in
a friendship that I still haven’t quite come out of it yet. I’ll
love him for the rest of my life, because he is and will always be the love of my life.
He was the first, and my heart will never be the same again. He’s
my boy next door, even if he lived an entire city away.
I’m cautious,
I always have been. I’ve never even broken a bone, but my heart is a different
story. I don’t let it hold me back, though.
I love being spontaneous, though I rarely am. I love being scared. I love pushing the limit. I love breaking
the rules. There is nothing that compares to any of these small rebellions. It’s that feeling you get, like you know you aren’t supposed to be doing
something, or that you can get hurt or even killed doing it, that makes you feel the most alive.
I keep my room
messily-organized. Just because it is clutter does not mean that I couldn’t
find something if I needed it. I think clutter is the most comforting thing in
the world. To be surrounded by so many faint reminders of my past comforts me. If you can look around and see a pile of completely random things together and not
even question it, that’s truly living.
I love the word
random, and I will use it at least once daily, mostly out of context, but my friends will understand. My friends are my life. They are the only reason I am still
here. I’d do anything for them, well almost anything. I, for example, would never run naked down a busy street. Unless
they really needed me to, or dared me to, or told me it was something I’d never do, because then I’d need to prove
them wrong. I will not stand to be told I won’t do something. I will do everything in my power to prove a point.
I’m self
conscious about my looks. I spend at least 45 minutes dressing for a boy, and
more often than not, end up with the outfit I had on to begin with. I’m
a jeans and tank top kind of girl, but dressing up excites me. It’s like
Halloween without all the candy and walking around. You get to be someone else
for a night. Someone prettier and happier and less focused on all the shitty
things in life.
I’m a writer
and a dreamer. That’s how I escape.
I like to figure things out. I like answers, but I like when there is
no answer more. I like finding my own, creating my own version of the truth. I write mainly truth, but I stretch it to lengths and depths that surprise even me
sometimes.
I get frustrated
easily, and annoyed even quicker. I think too much. I overanalyze what people say and do entirely too much. I
don’t believe in myself, but I want to so badly that it hurts sometimes. I’m
nervous a lot. I’m sad a lot more.
I’m just another textbook example of a troubled youth, or am I?
I believe in
ghosts and demons, though I do realize it is a silly notion to entertain. I believe
there is life out there somewhere; I think it’s really naïve to think that of all the planets in outer space we are
the only one to support intelligent life. I think it’s giving us a little
too much credit to say we are “intelligent life” anyway. I think
there is at least one planet out there just like ours; a planet with people just like us that are wondering if we exist too. I don’t think we will ever find it, or that we should even be looking for it,
but it is there.
I’ve failed
a thousand times at a thousand different things, but I’ve gotten back up and dusted myself off every time. I’ve learned my lessons too. I’ve learned that
rollerblading when it is wet out is not the best idea and that nail polish remover is very flammable and should not be used
to ignite a campfire. I’ve learned that tailgating is against the law for
a reason, and that a “fender bender” is actually a lot more consequential than it sounds. I’ve learned that saying goodbye is not easy, it is not painless, and you will never stop missing
this person you have left behind. I’ve also learned that it’s harder
when you are left without one.
I’ve been
abandoned before. By friends, by family, by people I’ve never even met. I know what it means to be alone, to be so lonely that you aren’t sure you can
make it one more day. I’ve hit that point where you have to wonder if it’s
worth it. Is it really worth waking up tomorrow?
Is it worth getting hurt again? I found my answers. It was worth it. It was worth waking up; getting hurt…
a thousand times, even, just to see his smile. Just to hear his voice. Just to make him laugh. Just to be able to find that one person
that in the end would not abandon me. It was worth everything, every scar, every
pain, every second of doubt. In the end, love is worth everything.
I’ve experienced
loss, real loss. I’ve experienced disease.
I’ve experienced death, mourning, and eventually even letting go. I
lost my father to a disease I may never fully understand. I doubt I’ll
ever get past it. I may have let him go, but I’ll never get over it. He was my world, my hero, my best friend. I
was so young, and I was forced to grow up in one second. It’s amazing how
fast you can go from being a child to an older, more mature teenager, the second you hear your father is going to die. I not only lost my father, I lost my right to be a child. And I’m sure I’ll be fucked up for the rest of my life because of it. Am I bitter? Wouldn’t you be?
I believe in
God, I guess, but I believe in myself more. I don’t pray. I don’t go to church. I don’t live by the bible. I make my own choices, my own mistakes. God
may exist, but that doesn’t mean I have to listen to him. He is not going
to save me, only I can do that. And if I have to prove myself to anyone, it is
me.
I’m not
perfect, I never tried to be. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve taken the easy way out. I’ve lied to my friends. I’ve hidden the truth so many times from so many people. I’ve hurt people, and I’ve even done it on purpose. I’ve
left people behind. I’ve spread rumors.
I’ve said things that I didn’t mean. I’m no better than
anyone, anywhere. I’m human. I
have faults, and I’m not afraid to admit that. I want to change, but I
won’t. Because that’s what we do.
That’s what we’ve always done. We list our faults like a grocery
list, and we move on, expecting everything to somehow change itself. It never
will. I will never change. I will
never be perfect. I will always make mistakes.
I’ll, more often than not, take the easy way out. I will lie, hide
the truth, hurt people, leave people behind, spread rumors, and say things I don’t mean for the rest of my life. Does that make me normal? Does that make
me like everyone else? Does it matter?
I believe in
love at first sight, though I’ve never experienced it. I believe in soul
mates, but I don’t believe we will all eventually find ours. I believe
that there is happiness even without them, there is love without them. I believe
that karma is a real thing. What we do, who we hurt; it all comes back to us. What we put out there is what we receive. I
believe in magic, every single bit of it. It’s a world I may never explore,
but dream of every night. I believe Disney movies hold the key to life. They hold every answer, if we only took the time to look. We can learn more from that talking crab in the Little Mermaid than we ever could in this corrupted world. And more than anything I believe in happy endings.
I don’t
believe in prejudice. I don’t believe in war. I don’t believe in government limiting our freedom of choice.
We have a voice, and we should be able to use it. We should be able to
marry who we choose no matter their sex. We should be able to abort a baby if
that is what we feel is right. I personally would never be able to make the choice
to end my growing child’s life, but who am I to tell someone else that they can’t?
I don’t believe age should be a limiting factor, for anything. If
I am old enough to feel I can make a decision, an informed decision, I should be able to.
I don’t believe in hate. I have never felt it. Now strong dislike, monumental annoyance, and steaming anger I have felt, but never hate. Hate is a strong word, and though I will use it often, I can honestly say I have never hated a single person
in my life.
And when I was 18 years old I fell in love with a boy, ruined the best friendship I ever had, and it completely changed
my life. I'm a better person now. I know what love is, what's it worth, how it sounds, and feels, and tastes.
I now know that love is everything. It is nothing short of a miracle. I also know what lonely feels like.
Real loneliness. Cut-throat, heart-wrenching, breathtaking loneliness. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
But love, you'll one day see, shadows our judgement. There are moments you just know mean more than anything else
ever has or ever will. It doesn't make sense, and it takes you by surprise, but no matter what you do, what you say,
how you justify it, you listen. You throw away everything you have hoping that one day you'll be right. I was.
Life is beautiful, and it's also a tragedy.
