Unhappiness in a Bottle

June 1^st, 2006

1:20 am

The beginning is always the hardest part of anything to write, for me anyway. I always have trouble getting where I’m going, but I always know where I want to end up, so I’m gonna start there. I’m sick and tired of being unhappy. I want to reach that place where everything is going to be okay again. I thought I was there. I thought that I was finally on track, but I’m so far away that I can’t even see the train heading straight for me. I don’t know if I’m crazy, or just horrendously unlucky. I keep getting dealt the hard hand, or maybe I redeal until I get it, I’m not sure. Maybe I want to end up here. In this place where things aren’t okay anymore. Sometimes I really wonder. It’s a draw, I guess. I can either be in this place, willing and able to write every care, fear, and sadness that I can convey, or I can be on the other side of the spectrum. I can be happy, or so close that it doesn’t matter if I’m really there, and I miss my ability to convey how I feel. When I’m in this place I can get it all down on paper, one way or another, but when I’m not it’s just there, and no matter how long I try I can’t show the world how it feels. Because happiness is not something you can write about. You can’t write about being content, whole, in love. Because there aren’t words for that. There are similes, but none quite compare. None will ever come close. So ya, maybe I like the darkness. Maybe I stray to it every time my life starts to get boring. Maybe that’s my disease. What’s my cure?

Some say love can cure you of anything. I was one of those people. I thought that love could move mountains. I was wrong. There are boundaries in even love. There are limits, things that just cannot happen. And that realization really hurt. It hurt knowing that even if you are drowning in love, sometimes it can’t save you. I’m not sure how to even explain what’s going through my head right now. I’m thinking about this too much, that’s what he’d say. He’d say that things will eventually be okay if I just give him his space and his time. What he doesn’t know is that my entire world has been tipped upside down and turned inside out. I don’t know how to function in this backwards place. I don’t know how to be in love anymore, because the way I thought love is isn’t in any way close to the way it really is.

I thought love would save me. I thought that once I fell in love all those holes and all those pains would eventually go away. I thought I’d be whole again with the man of my dreams by my side, but suddenly I’m not enough. He needs his time to enjoy himself away from me, to grow away from me. But what happens when we grow up separately for so long, will we eventually turn into people that aren’t in love anymore? Will we one day look into the other’s eyes and not see the fire, or spark that was there for so long before? I’m just afraid that he’s gonna grow up one day and realize how great he is. He’s gonna realize that he’s an amazing guy, and he’s gonna see that I’m not such an amazing girl. I’m really fucked up. We both know that. And maybe after revealing my whole fucked up self by taking him to the graveyard to meet my dad, he sees that the hole is too deep. He can’t fill it, so he doesn’t want to try anymore.

That’s ridiculous probably. Ridiculous to think that I scared him away after all the times we’ve talked about my father and all the ways that it’s influenced my life. But I wanted him to meet him. That sounds crazy, but I needed to take him there. I needed him to see the final remnants of the man that took the happiness out of my eyes when he left this world. I needed him to see the physical proof of why and how much I was fucked up all those years ago. And I think I scared him a little. He wasn’t ready to be that kind of strong for me. Holding me at night when I have nightmares is one thing, but holding me as I’m sobbing next to my father’s grave is another. I think I thought too much of our relationship.

I wanted it to be perfect, complete, and all-consuming. Because that’s what he is to me. He’s my rock, my best friend, my boyfriend, my true love, my… everything. He’s the one I go to when I’m feeling frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, stressed, or even inexplicably happy. He is enough for me. He makes me comfortable. For the first time I can be myself. I can say every stupid blonde thing in front of him and not feel stupid for one second. I can bumble around and get confused when we’re having sex, I can laugh too. I can write in front of him and let him read it. I can do ANYTHING and everything in his presence, I’m that comfortable, but he’s not. And that hurts no matter how normal it is. Why am I suddenly not enough, or really… too much?

I’m thinking about this too much, but lately I feel like I need to hang on really tight. Like I’m gonna lose him at any second. I don’t know why. I’m not psychic or even pretending to think that I am, but for some odd reason I feel like one of these days I’m gonna wake up and he’s not gonna be there, and that scares the shit out of me. I’m not sure what I would do. I can’t lose him. Not now. Not ever.

I wanna grow old with him and have kids, grandkids and eventually great-grandkids. I want to laugh together when we can’t shower ourselves anymore. I want to cook him dinner before he gets home from work every night. I want to live with him in the perfect brick house we always talk about. 3 kids. I want girls, he wants boys, but that’ll work itself out. I want to get a puppy. I want to get a fish, and a cat, and a frog. I want to decorate the house together, and help out with all our chores. I want to walk down the aisle with him waiting, hot as hell in his tuxedo to say I do. I want to write an amazing wedding speech, but chicken out and only read it to him when we’re alone. I want to slow dance with him to our song, if we ever have one. But what if he gets stolen from me? It’s almost as if he’s slowly distancing himself so that when he’s gone for good it’s not such a surprise. I don’t want to lose him, I can’t.

I want him to hold me right now as I start to cry. I want him to walk through that door and tell me that everything is alright and that he’s never going to leave and that I’m exactly the girl that he wants, and will always want. I want him to kiss me softly and show me that he’s not just saying that to silence my tears. I need all that. I need it to be like it used to be, him and me, and no one else. But it’s not. It’s all these other people, and not a single one matters to me but him. I wish he’d wake up and realize that I’m the only one he needs too. But am I? Will I always be?

It’s paralyzing to have to wonder if you’re enough. To wonder if it’ll always be me in his dreams, or if one day there just might be another. He’s the only one I’ll ever yearn for. He’s the only one I’ll ever truly love.

I know sometimes he doubts that fact, thinks that TJ got there first. He never did. I didn’t love TJ. I fell in love with the idea of him more than anything. I wanted to love him, but it was an odd sort of love. The kind that you know is doomed from the beginning. I always had to second guess myself with him, still even today I have to second guess our friendship. He was never enough for me. David’s a different story. He has been since day one. He wanted me, he loved me, and he wasn’t afraid to show it. He put me first, and maybe that’s selfish to want that, but it felt great to be cared for. It feels great. I’m in love, and it hurts a lot of the time recently but I’m still in love. I’d do anything for his kiss, his touch, his smell even. That screams first love, so nothing before this matters, nothing. Even with TJ around, it doesn’t show me what I’m missing out on, it shows me what I wasted my time on. I wasted four years being wrapped up in this kid that’s still as fucked up today as he was then. He’s going nowhere. I needed to wait those four years though, in order for david to come around. I needed to be unattached and wanting when he was ready to knock on my door.

That’s the funny thing about love and timing. It’s always perfect. So maybe I just need to wait. Wait for the moment when everything turns out just the way I wanted it to. It won’t be today, or even tomorrow, but maybe the next day. It still hurts though. I miss him holding me, and hearing his breathing as I go to sleep. I miss having him there when I wake up. Maybe he does too. Maybe it’ll all be okay.

I love you David Jon-Michael Worrell. Don’t ever question that.

Love battered and broken, but still somehow standing,

Jenny

1:51 am

teenage love, and the lack there of
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: bittersweet silence
Topic: love
I never considered the kind of love that I'm experiencing to be either juvenile, or fleeting. I never saw it as so-called "teenage love" or "highschool romance" because in my mind it was never anything close to that. It was something to joke or play with... ever. It was something that him and I both knew was going to be forever, or for at least such a large amount of time that it replicated the meaning of forever. We spent our days playing out the scenes of romeo and juliet. except we didn't die. and our families never fought. okay not so much romeo and juliet, I guess but you get the idea. We were meant to be. destined. and i believed that. believED. funny how one silly argument changes that. how suddenly your entire world is off kilter and you are forced to question everything you stand for. everything you've fought for. everything you've lost. we'd never fought before this, nothing huge anyway. we'd make up, kiss, and hold eachother before bed. that didn't happen this time. it has yet to happen. so i have to question what we're doing here. is it really just young love? is it the relationship that will eventually get left behind because we've grown so far past it? i hope to god i'm wrong. i hope to god we can overcome this because i don't know how to live without him. i don't want to. but at the same time i dont want to hurt anymore. i don't want to keep getting thrown full force into this depression, but here i am, chin deep and choking. i'm drowning again. who'll save me if he doesnt want to be around anymore.

this wouldn't hurt so much if i didnt have to question our future. but those 3 children, two girls one boy, are fading fast. the house is changing shape, disappearing. there isn't a chocolate lab, or a white picket fence. we're not together. we're not happy. i haven't lived past us either. i'm dead, and buried without him, i wish he'd see that.

i can't lose him.

i can't live without him.

i can't breathe.

my heart would burst if it hadn't already broken.

lovesick in the dieing sort of way,
Jenny

Final Destination Depression
Mood:  down

May 21, 2006

12:21 am

The doors are all locked and shut tight, the covers drawn, and lights down. The music’s softly playing in the background, but no matter what happens I can’t settle my mind on this particular night. Not that there’s anything outstanding about it really, the same thing has happened on countless other nights. To be honest, the same thing happens every night. I’m never completely settled, the feeling is just magnified because I don’t have those strong protective arms surrounding me, or the calming sound of his breathing. I don’t have his warmth, or his calming presence, and it kind of hurts. It brings the demons in a little deeper knowing that he isn’t there to ward them away. At the same time though, I know that I need this. I need this time to reflect because night after night I’ve been thinking these exact same thoughts. These exact same problems keep wreaking havoc on my mind and on my concentration. They are consuming me as surely as they are completely strange and unknown to me. I mean, I don’t know why I’m thinking the way that I am lately. It’s weird. I’m resigned to that fact though, I know that I’m eccentric, a little out of the ordinary tonight, and it’s okay, because I’m here alone with my thoughts. The music has been silenced, the dryer is filling the void. I can still hear it though, still hear the sounds of the soft singing, if only in my head. It makes me wonder, crazily if maybe I’m hearing it in another somewhere. That probably doesn’t make sense to you, and that’s okay. I’ll explain, just give me time to process what I’m feeling. I think somehow it’s profound, maybe it explains more about me than I ever deemed worthy of figuring out. Final Destination is my favorite movie of all time. Not because of the hot actors sitting center stage in it, but because of a single scene. A scene, that in it’s entirety didn’t change or warp the movie in any way, it didn’t move the plot along, or explain anything that you couldn’t have otherwise figured out. It was just there, waiting to pull me in. I can hear the words in my head of that scene. I think somewhere deep down I know it by heart. Devon Sawa’s character looks at clear and asks her if she thinks that somewhere out there their flight was still flying to Europe, if maybe in some alternate timeline they had made it safely there. He wonders that if this tragedy took place in his time, if maybe somewhere else happier it didn’t. She in return says sure I wish there was that place, a place where her father hadn’t needed cigarettes and had stayed home the night that he left and got killed, a place where her mother didn’t run off and leave her to deal with the aftermath. But they don’t have that place, all they have is the here and now. That scene captured me because that’s the question I had been trying to ask myself since I lost my father. I wanted there to be this place where he didn’t get sick, and he didn’t die and we were all happily living together as one fucked up family. I want that place more than I’ve let myself admit. More than I will ever let anyone know. Anyway I started reading this book called From the Corner of His Eye, and in this book every single person was interconnected and woven together to generate this ultimate goal, that has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m trying to say here. What I want to explain is that in this book there are hundreds of thousands of planes of existence. Every single choice in one’s life branches off. There is a place where my father chose to stay with my mother, but he still got sick and died. There’s a place where he never got a sick, and a place where it was worse. There’s a thousand shades of gray in a thousand different characteristics in each world, but each in turn has it’s tragedies. They are separate, removed, do not effect one another, but they all have their traumas, and their terrifics. The problem with entertaining these ideas, is how much I want to be in another reality, one that parallels my own, but not to the point where I can recognize it. There’s so many variables that you can’t really pinpoint what you want to change you know? What if I had kissed TJ on that grand day that I can’t seem to forget when I ended up at his house in tears and in his bed with him caressing me? Would we have ended up together, or would I be more broken than I am now? What if I hadn’t betrayed Jessi’s trust? Would she still have moved to California? Would I still have David? That’s the ultimate question. If my father was in my life, if TJ was there solely as a friend, if I had never ever gone to the lengths to betray Jessi that I did, would I still have ended up with the love of my life as closely woven into my heart? Maybe in some somewhere. I dunno if it makes it better or worse if it’s possible, but will never amount to happening. Is it comforting to know that that place is there? Would it be better to know that my father could walk me down the aisle at my and David’s wedding in another place, but he can’t here? Maybe I’d miss it more. Maybe I’d be dead today, I don’t really know. Freak car crash with my father at the wheel, possibly. Maybe I never would have gotten close to TJ at all, and he would have killed himself when he had the chance months ago. Every event in my life succumbs to the moment that I lost my father. If I hadn’t lost him I wouldn’t have gained the friends, and love that I have in my life now, but it isn’t a welcomed loss. I will never step back and see it for the greater good that was intended. He didn’t need to be taken. He was the most kind, generous, misunderstood, but still loving man that I ever knew, and he deserved better. He deserved a full life. Maybe he got that. Maybe in the years he had he gained everything that I think isn’t possible in 36 years. But then again maybe he didn’t. I hate the fact that I’ll never know. Unless there’s that somewhere, where all wrongs have been righted and I’m as happy as I can possibly be. I only wish someday to glimpse myself in that kind of glory.

Broken, bleeding into the existence of the what-ifs of my dreams,

Jenny

12:39 am

Here I go again, off the rocker, off the floor. I'm hurting from these numbing pains, that aren't existant anymore. If I were just a fraction more, deluded, or self involved, maybe I'd have a factory named after me, and the puzzle could be solved. But I'm no inventor, no self-representer, or attention hog. I'm simply me, please no recognition or applause. I'm the leader of the followers, what's the next turn i should take? I'm the ringleader of the disillusioned, what secret entrance must we make? And if there are no answers, or simple solutions, or gradious causes, simply lead us to the dragon's quarters, there will be blood, but no honor or safety clauses. We'll self destruct at any minute, stay clear of the gun. The only thing we were ever taught was stay put, and never run. Run run run away, but never have the nerve to stray. We like to think we're poets, writers, or just creative bets. But we're simply rhyming fools, with tics to keep our imaginations wet. Speaking in the form of multiple personalites always makes me feel less alone, but the only thing I can think to remember are the sins for which i must atone. Stay back, don't worry, I'll get to the end of this sad sob story. the path to this wonderful ending has been under construction for quite some time, there's a detour, but believe it's not worth your time.

Back to the Beginning (old entry)
Mood:  not sure

So here I am again, or maybe more precisely, here I am back where I always end up. It’s that place that you never quite want to be, but end up there anyway. Every time you get there you recognize it. It has the same signs, the same surroundings, but surprisingly a much different road leading there. It’s always a different path, always different choices and different circumstances, but you always end up in the same place. In the same circle, with the same problems, and the same escapes. Being such a creative person you’d think that I’d be able to write myself out of these kind of holes. You’d think that I’d be able to make different choices, leading to different circumstances, and different roads, and eventually different destinations. But my roads lead in one direction. My roads lead to what I’ve only just realized is what I define as home. Home was always an odd concept to me, anyway. It was never a place, or rather any physical place. It was always a state of mind. It was a group of places, or people, or feelings that coalesced to a single idea that I just knew somehow was home. It was the place I yearned for when I wasn’t there, but hated when I was trapped inside. I missed it, but at the same time I never wanted to miss it, or maybe I realized that in effect I shouldn’t miss it. But I do, even sitting here knee deep in it’s aftermath. I miss it. And in reality all it is, is this place where things cannot possibly ever get worse, and the only thing that can happen is that things start to look up. It’s the tail-end of depression, the last step to recovery, the first step to mental freedom. And every time I’m there I don’t want to take it. I don’t want to walk away from this place, because I know for a fact that no matter what I do, or where I go, or who I meet, or who I fall in love with, or what friends come screaming and running full force back into my life, that I’m going to end up back here. But it’s home, and I’ll always have a special place for it in my heart, and in my soul, but mainly in my mind. I want it back already and I’m still in it. Where I was going with this I have no idea, because all I turned this computer on for was to play pinball, but now sitting here I have about a million things to say. Life has been low lately. I’ve been crying a lot, mainly when I’m alone, but a lot of times when I’m not too. Things between me and David have been strained. He’s pushing away, and I’m clinging on. Not to say I’m clingy, I just hate the fact that no matter what I seem to do I can’t keep that love, or affection between us. I never thought in a million years that he’d get tired of kissing me, and it’s hard for me even to type that because I don’t want it to be true, but then again it’s the truth, and there’s no secrets here. It’s hard to keep up three fourths of the relationship I guess, and I think I’m driving him crazy with it, but I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to be one of those couples that can’t stand to be around each other, or that get into this routine that they can’t break out of. But here we are, living the routine. He goes to work, I go to school, and about every other day I come over to his house to help him clean, sit back, in another room while he bonds with the boys until he’s ready to go to bed. We don’t go out anymore. We don’t have time alone anymore. It feels like I’m losing him slowly. Not that I need his attention and time every second of every day, I just need my time too. And sure we’re together a lot, hell we’re together more than a lot, but it’s never just us, and even if it is just us sitting in his bedroom, it’s not just us because kenny and adam are a couple rooms over and he’ll leave in a second if they call. I don’t know, I guess I feel like I’ve been kinda shifted to the backburner or something. I’m not the number one priority for him anymore, and it’s hard for me process because he’ll always be number one for me. I will blow off my friends, my family, even my schoolwork for him if he calls, but I feel bad and awkward if I ask him to come in 2 minutes early from being with the guys. Like I’m depriving him of his time alone. I shouldn’t have to feel like that. I don’t want to feel like that, but every time I bring it up he needs his alone time, or he can’t be with me 24-7. That’s never what I’m asking for, I just wish he knew that. I wish he knew how much I love him, and how much it hurts me when he pushes me away, or tells me that he doesn’t wanna touch me, or kiss me, or fuck me. It rips me apart when I have to hear that. Am I becoming his routine? Is he sick of the monotony? Does he want to move on but isn’t admitting it? It’s stupid and ridiculous to wonder any of this, to even type it out, but it’s what I think about all the time. He says I’m beautiful and hot and everything he’s ever wanted, but he changes so much, am I still all that? After finding everything out that he has about me does he still think that I’m that perfect girl he was always searching for? Does he think less of me now that he knows without barriers or lies or false personas who I really am? Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t disappointed him. I’m not his perfect little church girl that follows all the rules and does right in the world. Sometimes I have to question if god really even exists. Maybe I only say that because I wanna keep my mind open, I guess what I really wonder is if he really doesn’t exist. I’m a freethinker. I think out of the box. I don’t just go on what I see or hear or taste or smell. I know there is an entire world out there that I will never know about or see, and I know for a fact it’s there. But still I wonder if god exists. With a god out there would the world truly be like it is today? The world has gone to hell, and I honestly don’t think that any god as all-knowing and all-seeing as the one that so many people believe in can actually exist. No god would let some things that happen in this world happen. But then again there’s the other side of the spectrum. Maybe all these things are happening today because not enough people believe in god. Not enough people devote themselves to him, so he doesn’t have as much power as he used to. Either way, he’s not this great all highly being that everyone thinks he is. He’s just like us. He fucks up, he fails. So why worship? This doesn’t really ever bother me, except for when David makes me feel so inadequate for not believing, like I’m missing out or something. I’m not missing out, I’m just sick of being misinformed I guess. Misguided is probably a better word. In the end I guess I have a 50/50 chance. Heaven exists or it doesn’t. I get in or I don’t. There’s no reason to waste my life wondering, or chasing a cause that might not be there. I just wish that david could respect that side of me. The non-religious one. But none of it matters. None of this is leading anywhere or to anything good I guess. I’m just upsetting myself more because I’m realizing what is so wrong in my life and that I have no concrete way of fixing it or bettering anything. Maybe I just need to roll with it. I need to lighten up, and take things as they come. The days are warming up, the skies are getting bluer and brighter and I’m still in my shades of grey, it’s time to change with the seasons. Springtime is my season, my time, my freedom. Open my wings, fly away and take those that believe with me. It’s gonna be a wild ride, or at least an eventful one.

pain is learning (old entry i found in my drafts)
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Brad Paisley
we're drowning in the trenches
we're choking on our indecision
is this pain we're feeling worth it
am i learning from anything at all?

sometimes i wonder if it were only easier
if i could let the currents drag me under
and take me out to the sparkling silver rivers
that lie just past the world i am not.

if pain were the only reminder in a world of chaos to do right by one's self and others, would we even pay attention? is pain anything? can it be nothing?

I sat at my computer earlier today having a virtual conversation with a virtual friend. I call him that simply because that is what he is to me now. He's a bunch of words appearing on a computer screen because he refuses to come to life for me, in every sense of the word. Come to think of it he always did refuse. I'm not sure when he died inside, but the funeral has long since been conducted and I am the sole survivor mourning the loss. There is so much pain inside of him that it radiates from his every touch, look, even typed word. He is, in every essence, pain. It's all he knows. It's all he'll let himself become now. It didn't used to bother me, it didn't used to literally hurt me, but today, for the first time, it did. This got me thinking because the way i have been taught pain is a lesson, something that needs to be learned.

Think about it, we've been taught this way since the very day we were born. When we did something wrong we were slapped on the bottom or wrist. The pain taught us not to act up. Growing out of my toddler days I had quite a large problem with sucking my thumb. One day i was playing and fell and scraped up my entire thumb leaving it bloody and scabbed. Later that same day I stuck my thumb in my mouth because it was my routine and screamed in pain. I never sucked my thumb again. The pain taught me that I shouldn't. Later my mother had a problem with my brother and I jumping on the bed. It didn't matter how many times I was scolded, I didn't listen. Not until I was jumping on the bed and fell off and cut my face up on the window ledge did I learn not to do it. I could go on and on with these examples, the point is that pain is the greatest teacher in a human's life. We don't like to hurt, or should I say, we shouldn't. It teaches us to be careful, to be smart, to do the right thing.

It's not only physical either. The mental pains are probably the worst. The problem is that they can be deceiving as well. Emotional pain cuts to the very heart of everything we are, to be human is to have emotions, and to have those emotions pained is cataclysmic. It alters us, changes us deep inside.

fuck it
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: not a fucking thing
Topic: life

Do you think there's fate? do you think that everything in this fucked up world has it's place and it's reason and it's need to exist? because I think it's utter and complete bullshit. I wasted an entire hour of my life getting on here and typing out every last thing I could remember about my father because I felt like I was losing him, and I get a phone call, and I try to download something on limewire, and I come back to this screen and it's just gone. Tell me this happened for a reason. Tell me that there is a god out there and he saw me truly trying to help myself and get better and he let some freak internet quirk erase it all away. This world is fucked. and I'm fucked up. I need this all down in typing, and I need it to be preserved, so i'm starting over, and I will duplicate every last thing that I remember writing.

I'm standing on the edge of I have no idea where I am, and I'm not sure I want to know. It's this sickening place where I jsut want to jump, but I'm not even sure what I"m jumping too, or maybe away from. It's just the adrenaline, the feeling that nothign can touch followed by a split second of pure pain before it bleeds out of your consciousness and you are left completely and utterly numb. I want to be numb again. And I'm not even sure why. My friends are back and behind me 100%. me and my boyfriend are fantastic, he has his problems, i have mine, but we are not each others problems. we're finally okay. but there are days when i still feel empty deep inside. Days where I know a piece of me is still missing and is never ever coming back.

I should be used to that spot, I should be comfortable knowing that nothing and no amount of healing will fill it. I can visit his grave, and talk about him, and look at pictures of him, but nothing will help. nothing will heal. nothing will change. he is gone. and he's not coming home to me.

the worst part of this entire ordeal is that I can't remember what he smelled like, or what color his eyes were. I don't remember his favorite color, or television show, or even song. I can't remember if his hands were soft or rough or in between. it's slipping through my fingers, and he's slipping through my consciousness. I fear that everyday he is gone I lose a new memory... even if i am trying so desperately to hold on.

I don't want my children to ask me about him 10 years down the road and not have answers to the simplest questions. I can't stand looking in the mirror knowing that I'm leaving him behind, that I have forgotten him. After all, I'm the writer of this family. I am the only one that I know of that takes the time to let everythign that happens to me bleed through my fingertips and onto paper. I should have written it down. But I failed him, and myself when I didn't. I am failing my father by not preserving his memory.

so here's the list... again... in no particular order. Every painstaking detail that is left, because it needs to be remembered, to be written down. he was the greatest man I ever knew and people need to know him. if only through this journal and my head, and my take on who he was.

he made a killer apple pie.

he liked poinsettas on christmas.

he thought he was some kind of photographer, even tho he was horrible at it.

he loved animals.

he grew a pot plant in the hallway bathroom never thinking that us kids would know what it was.

he couldn't type worth a damn.

he wore an army jacket or a flannel jacket 99% of the time that the weather called for it.

his shoes were always untied.

he was only ever at home outdoors.

he was gentle.

he was loving.

he was the richest man, if only in love.

money did not make a difference in his life.

roses were his favorite flower to take care of.

he took us to the park and brought wax paper so we could make the slide extra slick.

he hunted for arrowheads and morrell mushrooms.

he was obsessed with indian life, not only because of his heritage, but because he liked their way of life.

he took a thousand pictures but hardly ever developed the film.

his eyes were brown.

his hair was thick and brown too.

he loved nash bridges adn cheech and chong.

he bought a real live christmas tree every year for christmas before he moved out of my mom's house.

he loved beef jerky.

we made sugar cookies together every year.

he hated cleaning.

he drove a red pick up truck.

he took us to chuckee cheese.

he loved country music

his smile was crooked.

he loved twinkies, and anything else hostess.

he made even the simplest outings fun.

his favorite place to go out and eat was ryan's buffet.

he loved his and everyone else's children.

he built dollhouses.

he wanted to build a canoe.

he was a great fisherman, and taught me everything he knew.

he didn't want me to miss him.

he believed in me.

he never judged.

he had hairy toes, i guess everyone has their flaws.

he used old spice aftershave sometimes.

he bit his nails.

he called me jen jen.

i'll add to the list later, i feel better, but like i said nothign will ever fill this hole. nothing will ever make any of this okay. i don't even know where to go from here, other than bed.

remember forever what you will someday forget,
jenny

it's a good day to look back
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: silence, but only because everyone else is in bed and i can't find any headphones
Topic: life

Life is an endless string of events, and I guess I always knew that. I knew there would be good days and bad days, happy and sad days, and even just days like this one, days where you can just sit back, talk to old friends, and blast country music so loud while your flying down the express way at 75 miles an hour that you think nothing can touch you. I knew there was randomocity to days, i knew that everyone was different, but when I look back at this journal I don't see that. All I see is pain, and hate, and half-truths because I was so goddamn angry about what was happening to me. It's taken quite a few wakeup calls to realize this, to realize that maybe i was never representing myself with this blog, I was merely creating a world where I was the victim and it was okay for me to say anything i wanted to get back at the people that hurt me, and coincidentally those that love me the most.

I thought that the internet was safe. I knew I was broadcasting my pathetic sense of existance to the world, to countless strangers that I don't know, or even if I did know, wouldn't know me. I never stopped for one second to think that those I loved the most would ever come across my harsh words. I was wrong. Search engines are amazingly accurate, and telling these days. So my best friend, the person that I've probably hurt worst in this world, found my online journal, because it's such a jenny-thing-to-do. It's not even that I care that she read these inner thoughts of mine. I trust her more than anyone in the world, even if we don't talk much, and see each other even less. She was my best friend for years, and that trust will never go away. I just hate that I hurt her with my words. I hate that this place that I thought was so safe, and so harmless, was able to hurt her because of the way I used it. And so I'm attempting to remedy that.

I'm not just going to use this on the bad days anymore, I'm branching out. Today it becomes my outlet for hope, for happiness, and for contempletation. These are my thoughts, these are really me. Ignore what has come before this very entry because starting at 10:16 on March 9, 2006, I'm letting anyone that dares to look see what I'm really about, and who I really am.

I'm in an amazing relationship that is not quite a fairytale, but he makes me happy. We have our fights, hell we're coming out of one right now, but we always make up. I make sure before I lay my head down to sleep at night that we're okay, that I've said "I love you" and that I know, without a doubt, that we will live to see another day. Relationships are hard, but isnt that the point? We have to fight for the things that we really want, we have to battle to be worthy of the rewards. And ya, sometimes it hurts, but the way I see it now, the rest of the time it doesn't. and if I have to live through a couple more arguments or misunderstandings, then it's worth it, if only for one night laying in his safe arms.

Friendships are the same way I think. You have to fight for them, or they don't really mean much at all. I've fought with my best friend, it's true. But ever since the last time we exchanged harsh words I've been fighting FOR her. I want her back, and I'll stop at nothing to get her back. It's not worth the petty highschool drama anymore. We're adults, and we're dealing with love and life and everything else on our own, it's about time we put the team back together and battled it together, cuz I'm losing. Our friendship made me sane, and I fear for myself if these things dont get settled soon. She's traveling the country in less than a month to see us all, and I can't wait another minute. Everything will be okay. It has to be.

I never realized that the path I let myself lead the last few months is what was making me crazy. I thought for the longest time that it was because of my unresolved issues with my dad that I couldn't be fully happy, that I was irritated and felt completely off center. The truth was that I was off center, because I had let myself stray there. I went to college and left all my friends a half an hour behind, and thought it was too far. It's not, and I need them now more than ever. They bring me back to reality and make me see that not only am I being a dumbass, but that life is awesome with them in it. I wish I could see them everyday, and I can't. But I will see them more than once every couple months now too.

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm coming back from the dark place, and I have all the people that I love to thank for that. They've woken me up, and given me reason to open my eyes. I've been depressed, and I need my medication. It doesn't come in pills, or bottles, either. It comes in human form, and they're ready to be filled. Thank god for all these great friends that haven't given up on me in my absence.

i've woken up, and I'm not walking away,
Jenny

nothing left to argue, nothing left to say
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: not even country can cure this kinda hurt
Topic: love

here's to afterhighschool romances being exactly like the ones that we experienced when we were there. Here's to my stupidass believing that love could really save me, and really bring me back to earth. And finally, here's to heartbreak, but never breaking up. It's a toast to being lonely, but somehow still not being alone. And it's a toast to crying and drowning yourself in the tub. I don't know where I'm going, or if my words are taking me there, but all I can say for fucking sure is that I wish to god he'd be walking up those stairs. I'm tired and I'm uneasy, and I feel like I've already lost the race, when the honest truth is that I probably never ever kept up with a single pace. I'm a gimmick, I'm a joke, I'm everything he thought he wanted, but nothing that he chose. I'm his dream girl to a tee, but how the hell does he know what he wants anyway. I'm fucked up, I'm hurting and where is he? I don't have a damn clue. He's as lost to me as I am right now. And the sad part of everything? He's the only one that I have to call. I have not a fucking soul in the world to go to right now other than the person that I all of the sudden feel the need to run away from. That's not even the truth, he was the one that ran away from me.

so run run run away, everything will eventually be okay... but just remember that those you leave behind, they change, they rearrange, and sometimes lose their mind.

i give up i'm not making sense or helping myself in the least with this stupid shit,

klzxdfj

boyfriends and boy (space) friends
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: CSI
Topic: friends
does life always run in circles... or maybe just spiral? I mean in the last year I have completely changed as a person. I've found love. I've lost friends. I've found out what was truly important to me. I've lived almost on my own. But in the same aspects I've lost myself too. I lost the person I used to be able to be with my friends. I've lost the need to party all the time. I've lost the freedom to flirt, and kiss, and spend every night exactly the way I want to. None of this is bad, I've just learned a new way of life. I've given up things in order to get things, and I'm finally happy... or at least on my way to finding out what that word really means. But now I find myself in the same position I was a year ago, two years ago, hell even three. TJ's in my life again, by my sheer amount of will. I missed him, so I started calling and now I think I'm on my way to having him back. as a friend. as only a friend. and for once that's all i want, that's all I need. I need for him to be just a friend, so that I can once and for all prove to myself that david is the one, that david's the only one I want to be with for the rest of my life. But on the phone today TJ finally admitted to me why he's repeatedly made plans with me, but broken them. He finally realized that he really fucked up in letting me go. He openly said, this is hard for me to say and it's really awkward, but i wish i had done things different with you a long time ago. In not so many specific words I got out of it that he's in love with me, or maybe has realized that at some point he was. which really fuckin sucks because i wasted three years of my life being literally obsessively in love with him, and he never could figure these things out then. So you might wonder what the problem is. I've said time and time again that I'm in love with david, that I'd never screw things up, that he's the one I want to marry... and he is. I have no doubt about that fact. He is and will always be the man that I want to spend my entire life with, every bad and good day of it. But I want my best friend back. Before TJ became a love interest he was my best friend. Even after he was still my best friend because that's how strong it was. Things never would have worked out and he had me guessing too much anyways. I wouldn't wanna jeopardize that friendship now that I look back on it. But now i'm finding out that I'm jeopardizing it anyway. TJ won't hang out with me because he doesn't wanna mess up what me and david have, and he convinced of the fact that he will. He's convinced that something would happen that would hurt me, and he says it's because he wants to protect me because he loves me. I need my best friend though, more than anything right now. I just wish he'd see that. I wish he'd believe me when i said that i'd never let him come between me and david and that david honestly does not care. i wish he'd listen to me like he used to.

best friends and boyfriends never were an easy thing to decide, if only he would listen to me instead of choosing to run and hide.

love, life, friends, and circular amusements never were my thing,
Jen

\
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Kenny Chesney "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem"
I'm just in one of those moods where I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get my thoughts down in writing, but I have no idea what I want to say. I have all these thoughts just flying in circles in my brain but I can't figure any of them out. I'm going insane. I'm trying to handle too much, but dealing with too little. I wanna be the carefree student, partying it up and livin it down... but here I am partying it down and livin it up. I'm insanely in love, and i should be happy because of that but things are so damn confusing sometimes. David isn't always the boy that I thought he was. He scares me sometimes. He's losing himself in his problems, and I'm trying as hard as I can but with everything I have going I don't know how to help him. He's consumed me, and I'm not sure how I can dig myself out without hurting him. I dont' ever want to lose him. He's the only boy that I can picture myself with 10, 20, 30, 40, even 50 years down the road. I wanna be with him forever, but I don't want him to be the only thing I am. I want to have time for my friends, time for myself, time to just write like I am right now, but with him off work I can't seem to do that. I never thought I'd get sick of him being here everyday, but here I am. and I don't know how to deal with it because it's not just that he comes here, it's that I go to him. He calls and says he's having a bad day and the first thing I want to do is go to him and make him feel better no matter how much money and gas I'm wasting that I don't have in the process. I want to get to him and fix everything. I want to lay next to him and hold him and get up at an ungodly hour just so I can get back to campus in time for my class. I want to ignore all my friends and all the plans that I might have made so that I can just see him, even if it's only for 10 minutes. i don't want to go out there, i don't want to waste money i don't have, i don't want to leave stacie here after she like passed out and has been in the emergency room all day. I don't want to run to him every single time he mentions that he wants to see me, but at the same time it's all i want. I know that how ever many years down the road i won't have most of these friends, and he'll still be there. He'll always be there. But I shouldn't go out there. I shouldn't, but I will. I will, but I shouldn't. It's killing me to think all these things out, to think these thoughts and not tell him, and I will end up telling him. Things have to start to change and they have to start to change now. I don't want to drive out to luna pier only to be sitting at adam's house watching them all get high. I'm not gonna sit there and watch david smoke away his troubles. I'm not going to drive all the way out there just to have sex until we eventually pass out and go to sleep. everyday shouldn't have to be like that. I realize that neither of us has money, but just once I want him o surprise me with an awesomely random and inexpensive treat. I'm sitting here dreaming of the surprises i can bring him tonight... already knowing that I will be there. God... love is so amazingly contradictory.

call, leave a message
the dial tone isn't working
but your voice carries
i'll hear every single word
leave the voicemail unlistened
save it for later review
i'm a thousand miles away, but only ten
and amazingly i can still smell you
you drift to me miraculously
because you're scent is still on my pillow
wash it, rinse it, dry it, repeat
you're still there
mocking my attempts to wash you away
funny how i can't make you disappear
when the last thing you wanted was to stay.

i love that i can still do this, but am i losing steam... have i lost some of my ability because i've fallen in love. is it enough to matter, enough to want back? will i ever know?

Mood:  happy
Now Playing: smallville is providing my background noise
Topic: love
falling in love so rapidly and so completely has changed me to an extent that I never really realized anything ever could. It sounds so cliche because so many movies have quoted the exact line I'm about to in about a thousand different ways and in a thousand different situations. Being in love makes me want to do things that I have NEVER wanted to do before. He's made me realize all these dreams that maybe I had, but never knew I had until now. I want to be kissed in the rain, and make love in the sea. I want to lay in his arms and watch the sunset and roll around in the sand. I want to go completely crazy and skinny dip in a pool that we have to break into. Sure movies have given me these dreams too, they've given me the ideas at least, but David... he's given me the desire to actually do them. Nothing scares me when I'm with him. I don't care if I can get caught, or how much trouble I can get into if we do I just want to be with him everywhere. I want to sit on the edge of the roof of a building with our legs dangling off and tell him every single minute detail about myself that he doesn't already know. I want him to know that I had an imaginary friend when I was younger, whose name I can't remember, but that was the same as every single doll I ever owned. I want him to know that I lie a lot, and it's not because it's a compulsive thing, but it's because I get bored. He's just gotten so far inside that I'm not sure what to do or where to go next. Nothing is ever enough, nothing ever will be. I want to take bubble baths with him, and long steamy showers. I wanna make love in a hot tub, and have sex in the forest... and yes I know the difference between making love and having sex. I want to know every inch of him, and I want him to know every inch of me. God I don't even have anymore words to explain the extent of how he's changed me. It's not an obsession either. I mean yes, I love being with him and it literally kills me to be away from him... but it's because of the awesome person he is, and how great he treats me and how perfect we are for each other. I never would have figured that I'd find the love of my life literally living next door to me, but I did. he popped up and completely sent my life into a whirlwind of events that have led me here... to perfect and absolute happiness in love. He loves me, and with every ounce of myself I love him back. I love him so much that being away from him for one night has caused me to do crazy things. Crazy things that I see in sappy love movies that I always make fun of. I'm wearing one of his t-shirts just because it feels like him, and I'm cuddling up with the teddy bear he got me for christmas, and I'm kissing it goodnight because I can't kiss him. I have pictures of us duct-taped to the wall next to my head and I talk to him at least 3 times a day... the last of which last night ended in one of those "no you hang up" conversations that only led my roommate to make fun of me for 10 straight minutes. I couldn't make my smile go away though. I just love him so much that I'm not sure what to do with myself. I can't wait two more days to see him, and I know for sure that he'll be over here way before then because he feels exactly the same way. God I love this.

Hopelessly in love,
Jenny

Mood:  down
Now Playing: "Ohio is for Lovers" hawthorne heights
What is it about love that makes it so damn complicated? I thought I had it all figured out but here I am sitting just as confused, or maybe more so, than I used to be. I found David, and I fought for him. I damn near lost my best friends and everything that I knew because of it. I almost gave up everything to be with him. I didn’t do it to defy the norm, or even to just have what someone else wanted. I did it because for some strange reason, I felt like it was right, like nothing would ever be more right. Me and TJ had danced around love for as long as we’d been friends, but it wasn’t taking me anywhere but down. It was hurting, and even though I didn’t think I’d ever be able to, I let him go. I let his love go. I haven’t seen him in over a year now, or even hung out with him in almost two now. And somehow we’re still friends. And after all this time apart, and me finding love and grasping on so tightly, here we are dancing around it again. I love David. I’ve never felt the way I do for him with anyone else. It’s comfortable with him to a degree that I never imagined I’d ever reach. I hate the fact that one conversation with TJ could make me think the thoughts that I am right now. It’s fucking ridiculous. But no matter how much I don’t want it to be it’s there, somewhere deep and buried. There is a part of me that is still in love with TJ, a part of me that wants very badly to believe that it could somehow work out, a part of me that still wants to fix him. He’s more broken now. He’s in pieces, and I want to finish that puzzle. And that scares me, because up until today, I haven’t second thought my relationship with David even once. He’s everything TJ ever was to me, and surprisingly he feels something too. He loves me too. It isn’t one sided, or full of half truths and bitter lies. There aren’t secrets, not until today. I didn’t fall in love with him because he was broken. I didn’t fall for him because I wanted a challenge of some sort. I fell for all the small things. I fell for the fact that he gets me a glass of ice water before I go to bed each night because he knows that I can’t sleep without just knowing it’s there. I fell for the cop sunglasses and the fact that no matter how goofy they were, they looked good on him. I fell for the way he goes over and plays video games and plays in the yard with his little brothers that are less than half his age. I fell for the guy that knows I hate mustard and keeps a distance when he’s eating it because he loves it so much. Everything’s so small, like the way he touches my back when we’re walking in public like he has to show the world I’m his, or the way that he touches me constantly while I’m driving just for comfort I guess. I love how when he’s sleeping he pulls me close without even realizing it and kisses me on the forehead. I love the fact that every time ‘sugar, we’re goin’ down’ comes on he has to do Pete’s salute during the “friction in your jeans” lyrics. I like the way he teases me, and tickles me, and holds me down and tells me he won’t ever let go. I like how he tells me he loves me every 5 minutes, even though it does get annoying sometimes. I never had any of this with TJ. All I had were questions on top of questions. That’s all I have still. He messes with my head and makes me feel horribly incapable of helping him. He confuses the hell out of me and I don’t like it. I hate it. But no matter how much it hurts, or how much I hate it or wish it would just fade away, I can’t let go of the notion that we’d be great together, that I could, somehow in the future, fix him. That I could make him happy. That’s all I want really, for him to be as happy as I am when I look into David’s eyes. I mean I guess I always knew TJ would be there, deep and buried in my heart, but I thought I had gotten past it. I thought we could be friends, but maybe we can’t. Maybe he’s the boy that I’m destined to always love, but never end up with in the end. It wouldn’t ever work out, not realistically. Not that reality was anything I ever let limit me, though. He was my first love, my first real heartbreak, my first real loss. I never even kissed the boy, but that boy changed me, forever. I have to let go once and for all now. I am in love with David and it shouldn’t matter if TJ’s coming around or not now, it’s not something I should care about. So why, all of a sudden, when I look into David’s face do I want it to be TJ staring back at me? I’m scaring myself.

if love were easy, we'd wouldn't fight so hard for it,
Jenny

Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Rascall Flatts "Feels Like Today"
Do you ever hit a point where you feel like you've done all you can to try to fix a situation, and you just have to give up? Where is the point where you just say enough is enough? I've been paying for my mistakes for a long time now. I've apologized a thousand times. I've given in a thousand times. I've given up almost everything so I could keep my two best friends in the world and it got me nowhere. I was the only one trying to fix anything. They never wanted it fixed, and to be honest I knew that from day one. I woke up next to David that first time and I knew for sure that everything was over between me Jessi and Puddy. I knew there was no coming back from it... but I still had to try, because that's what best friendship means. It means that you don't just give up or give in or accept the fact that the years you've been together mean nothing. I tried my hardest to do any and everything in my power to get her back... to make her forgive me... to make up for all that i had done wrong. And I did. We were fine, until she decided she wanted to be cruel. Somewhere in there things changed dramatically... the person that I thought was my best friend took a sharp turn and turned into a person that I completely did not know. Someone that maybe I couldn't ever love. She was cruel and sadistic and only brought me up to put me a little farther down. She said and did things to me that I would never have considered... that I still wouldn't consider even after all she has done and said to me. She brutalized me mind, body, and soul. She made me question myself... question if I deserved her, if I deserved anyone. Friends don't do that. It doesn't matter how much I hurt her... friends don't make friends second guess their self worth. So ya, maybe i fucked up, and maybe I did a lot of things I never should of, but she stopped being my friend a long time before I ever gave up trying to be hers. I'm only realizing this now, but she was stringing me along just for sheer entertainment. She needed someone to blame things on, someone to point to and laugh at when the days got monotonous. She can blame me all she wants for the fact that she's off in california by herself hating her life... but i never wanted her to go. it was her choice. she got on that plane and she flew 2000 miles away from everything she knew knowing full well what she was leaving behind. and now i'm getting blamed for the fact that i'm still here and i can still hang out with everyone... when most of them are my family. she wouldn't even know them if it wasn't for me... she never would have gotten close to them or hung out with them at all... and i shouldn't be able to now just becuase she chose to leave and is pissed that i stayed? was i supposed to force her to stay? or go with her? neither one of those things is even possible. i can't change the fact that i fucked up... but i can change the fact that i have to deal with the consequences everyday. i don't need to wake up dreading the fact that i might have to make more excuses or prove myself more that day. I don't need to keep getting put down and stepped on. I'm human, i made a mistake and i'm paying for it... but i'm not okay with paying the price for the rest of my life... and my self confidence and happiness is too large a cost. Do i love her? ya i used to. i loved the jessi that would stand by me no matter what. i loved the jessi that was at my house everyday and referred to my room as "ours". I loved the jessi that wasn't afraid to tell me what she thought or hide anything from me. i don't love this jessi that's hellbent on destroying me. there has always been this quote that i disagreed with wholeheartedly that says that some friendships have to end... that maybe theres a reason for it. I get it now. Maybe our friendship has to end in order for us both to lead happy fulfilled lives. Maybe in order for me to be able to be in love I have to let her go... and maybe it's the same for her. Maybe to experience love separate from the kind she might have had with david she has to let me go. I'm only a reminder of what she "lost". we've been together for years and we grew up side by side learning the same lessons... but here's where the road forks. I'm learning how to love, and she's learning how to deal with losing love. We can't do it together anymore... we just can't. And so i'm cutting all ties. I'm not trying anymore, as bad as that sounds. I always said that I'd never consciously let a friendship go, but I never thought in a million years that it would damage me this much. I never thought I'd have to choose between myself and my friends... but here I am just the same. I'm choosing myself. I have to... there comes a point in everyone's life where they have to step back and take care of themselves. i'm broken and if i don't fix myself fast... i'm not sure i'll be able to be fixed at all.

friendships aren't unsinkable after all,
Jenny

Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Keith Urban "You'll Think of Me"
I'm not sure I can even explain what i'm feeling right now. It's over. Jessi and I are officially not friends anymore. She's 2000 miles away and she hates me. She hates me for my lies, and my actions, and for the one thing that has actually made my life happy lately. She hates me for the love that I found in a place I should never have been looking in the first place. I never meant to steal David from her, even though she didn't really want him anyway. She liked him, she'd had a semi-relationship with him, not much of one, but still it mattered. I never meant to fall in love with him, but I did. And I can't turn it off or dig myself out of that hole. I thought she'd gotten over it a little bit, but I guess it's just too large of a betrayal. I just don't know what to do, I can't even cry. For the first time in a long time I'm back to my utterly invisible depression. I don't want to do anything. I get up, I go to class, I party, and I hang out with the few friends that I have left, but it's kind of emotionless. It hurts so bad that I just want to shut myself off. Best friends aren't supposed to be this breakable... I never thought in a thousand years that I'd lose her to such a degree. I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to her, I can't change anything. I fucked everything up and there's no going back on anything. There is honestly nothing I can do to fix this. It's so fucking frustrating too... because I need answers. I'm one of those people that believes in second chances... and even third, and fourth, and fifth if they are needed, but she's not. I don't know what to say other than she's being just as selfish as I was when I caused this. I would have done anything for her. I would have ripped my own heart out and told david that I didn't love him even though it was so blindingly obvious to me that I did. But she told me that it was okay. She lied to me. She told me she'd never completely write me off, and that she wouldn't hate me forever for this, but she is. She told me I could do what I wanted if I felt that he was that special to me. And he was. And I told her that, I was completely honest. I told her I had feelings I couldn't explain, or even shut off anymore, and she said it was fine. If I had known back then that it wasn't, that it wouldn't ever be I could have walked away. It would have broken me, and probably David too, but I could have done it. It's not something I can do anymore. I don't know at what point that fact changed, but I'm too far in now. He's my...everything. Jessi doesn't want to be there for me, so he has been, and so he's my best friend now. I have friends... but I don't have a best friend anymore. There's no one I can be completely and brutally honest with anymore. TJ's gone. Puddy's too wrapped up in Jessi's world, so there's just certain things I can't say. Erica's just not always there. Kahla's changed. Allor doesn't always listen or understand. He's my only option, and that's fine with me, but I just can't give that up. Because it's very obvious at this point that I can never be just friends with him. I could have if I didn't know him as deeply as I do now, but I can't now that I see the kind of person he really is rather than the person he wants some people to think he is. I want to be able to say that I'd still do anything for Jessi, that even after she's given up on me and ever trusting or loving me again, I could look past it and still keep up my end of the friendship. But I just can't do it. I never in a thousand years would have said the things she's saying to me to her... I never would have purposely hurt her, and she knows it. I can't keep trying to fix something she so obviously doesn't care about anymore. I can't keep rolling over and taking this kind of stuff all the time. I get hurt too much. I didn't care about it when she still cared a little bit for me, I would have taken it forever, but now that she's decided she's done... well maybe I'm done too. Maybe I don't always have to wait around for people to forgive me, or come back around. Maybe I need to look out for my own heart now and again. Maybe I need to think of myself rather than those around me, because it seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try to be perfect and never step on anyone's toes, it happens anyway. I hurt people anyway. It's my curse and I know it. I'm fucked up, my life is fucked up and there's nothing I'm ever going to be able to do to fix that... I just have to learn to live with the shittiness... I need to learn how to make it great. I need to be able to love, without feeling guilty. I need to be able to laugh, without wondering if I have a right to. I need to be able to just relax for 10 minutes even without thinking of how I can make things up to people. I need to be able to live. It's about time I started... oh shit, this is gonna be something. I'm not sure I know how to do this.

forever fucking over and fucking up,
Jenny

Now Playing: Jewel "Who Will Save Your Soul"
nothing lyrical or poetic today
i will simply write all i have to say.

so I just typed out this enormous entry explaining how fucked up love is and how hard of a time i'm having with it and then fucked up and refreshed the window... so here's the venting as closely as I can get it. Love's a funny thing... not funny in the ha ha sense, but more like in the fucked up ironic sense. My entire highschool career I avoided the teenage love thing. Sure, I fell in love with my best friend as all teenagers at one point do, but inevitably it turned into nothing. I think I loved the idea of him more than I ever loved the actual person. And then I thought I was free and clear... I was leaving my hometown without any strings attached and launching myself into the college madness... I was free. But love's a funny thing and it crept in when I wasn't looking or paying attention. It crept between my best friend and I too... and it just wouldn't back off. It grew stronger and stronger with each day... until we get to the present. We started saying I love you a while ago... but I don't think I realized I really meant it until the other day. You see my boyfriend is going to the air force. He is leaving me before this year is even over for 8 months. We haven't even been officially together for a month yet. Can such a young romance withstand that kind of time and distance? I'm not sure. And it scares me to death because the only kind of love i've ever known ends like this. I get left behind. I get left home to cry and wonder why. It's not like I didn't know that it was coming, I always did. He never kept these things from me, but all the same it was never real to me. Until he came home from visiting a base the other day with a smile bigger than I've ever seen on his face, and animatedly told me everything he'd seen and been through that day. It was hard not to burst into tears... because in about 3 minutes my entire life collapsed. I had betrayed my best friend's trust to be with him, almost ruined our friendship, and I'd even come to truly love him and now all of a sudden he was leaving me, and he wasn't even thinking of me. He didn't until I broke down into tears later that night and he forced me to tell him why. He broke down too, I saw him cry for the first time, and even though it was a little thrill that he felt comfortable enough to do it in front of me, it hurt me too. It hurt me that I could make him feel like him doing something with him life and trying to fix everything was wrong. He started telling me that he could change this and change that so he wouldn't have to be gone so long, but I told him I wouldn't let him. I'm not letting him compromise his dreams to be with me. It's not fair to him or his future. I would leave him before I ever let him do that. I feel awful because I kind of ruined everything for him, but I couldn't help it. I don't want him to leave. I'll never outright tell him that, but in my heart I don't think I can go through this again. I can't be the girlfriend waiting at home for news that he's been killed or hurt. I realize that that won't be for a few years... but if I'm in this as deeply as I think I am, we'll still be together in a few years. I can't just wait for news like that again, not after what I went through with my dad. waiting to hear that he'd died almost killed me. And that right there is why i'm terrified to be in love with him. I love him, there's no point in trying to get around that, but am I IN love with him? Can I stay with him? Can I imagine myself marrying him? having kids with him? making him a part of my fucked up little family? The problem is that I can. And it would seriously damage me to lose him at this point. He's my everything. I know it happened fast, and some would say that I'm getting carried away, but everything just works. And he's told me that I mean more to him than any girl ever has, he flat out told me that if I wasn't sure I was in this for the long haul then I needed to tell him now, because if he waited even a day longer he wouldn't survive it. He told me he was in too deep... and I believe him. I think we're both in a little deeper than we can manage, but I can't stop myself. I don't want to, I shouldn't have to.

a little broken, a little blistered, but what's left is still beating,
Jenny

Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: just the random dorm sounds... don't have my music with me at the moment
we're chasing our tails
and falling behind
he can't quite keep up
i can't make up my mind.

i want so badly to be happy
but can't quite hold a smile
i wish he'd hold me a little tighter
even for only a little while

gotta give up your destiny
to follow the path you've chose
will it be worth it after everything
please tell me someone knows.

so i've started school and moved into my dorm.... kind of crazy stuff. I've met a bunch of nice people, and had to introduce myself to about 1000 random people that probably have no idea what my name is anymore. it's a weird atmosphere and i'm not really completely comfortable with it yet. Everyone is nice enough, but it's just strange. I love it too though...it's so much freedom. i get to choose when to get up, when to go to bed, if i'm going to come home, where i'll party, and eat and who i'll have over. it's complete freedom... well not complete cuz this place has some fucked up rules but a lot of freedom anyway. i'm hopin it doesn't go to my head.

free to be confused,
Jenny

Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Fall Out Boy "Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year"
packing up my boxes so carefully
that i've got creases on my heart
gotta get rid of this feeling
that the end must come before the start.

gotta say goodbye somehow
tell my mother not to worry
can't quite say the words
but my eyes tell the story.

don't wanna let go just yet
but everything is almost gone
it's all be put into motion
can't stop this ride we're on.

so my entire life is going to change in a few days... the entire thing. i'm going to college. i'm moving into a dorm. i'm going to be away from my mother for the first time in my entire life...and i'm going to be away from my friends too. i'm not ready for it, can i honestly do this alone?

exhaustion is a state of mind and i'm there,
jenny

Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Ginny Owens "Without Condition"

mistakes are for fuckups
did i seriously give in
have i lost this game
was there a way i could win?

lose a friendship
gain a sense of love

so i don't even know how to feel right now... i have the best and worst of things happening all at once and i've tried to ignore it as best i could but i just can't anymore. i just can't keep going on knowing that i'm hurting my best friend in the world... knowing that she is going to move across the country and probably hate me for the rest of my life because i stole the boy that she first had sex with. i still can't believe that she's actually leaving. i've known for how long that this was going to happen...but it was never real to me. she was always going but it was always so far in the future and now i'm sitting here realizing that she will be gone in 2 days. 2 days. that seems so final. like the day she leaves it's all going to be over. and i don't want to sound like a pessimist but isn't it? won't it be over once we can't see each other every day or laugh at stupid random shit together? it won't ever be the same again... it can't be. i love her to death and i don't want her to go but i know she has to. gotta run tho.

live it up and let go,
Jenny

Mood:  down
Now Playing: What A Girl Wants Soundtrack "Halflife"
walking through this world blinded
by ambitions and goals i can't reach
started out this path determined
i could practice the words i could preach.

but i'm failing miserably
can't quite win this game
i wanna be strong, be happy
but nothing feels the same.

so i started out this summer with a list of goals that i was determined to meet before i started college. this is a huge transition and there were a few things that i felt i needed to do before i could move on and away from the life i led in high school. and i've steadily been gaining headway on that list, or at least i thought i was. but i'm waking up right now and realizing that i have exactly 2 weeks until i move out (1 of which i will be camping out of town) and i've only really crossed one thing off my list. i said i was going to go to florida and say goodbye to my stepmom, and i did. that was probably the biggest thing on the list and with all the obstacles standing in my way i made it. i made it there and back, only a little more bruised than when i started. but i haven't been able to get ahold of my former best friend and love interest to finally let go of him. i can't just let go, i have to look him in the face and tell him that i loved him...but i can't anymore. but no matter what i do he's bound and determined to distance himself from me. i've called a thousand times, every time it was like a kick in the heart when he didn't answer or call back. he used to be my best friend and he's acting as if i mean nothing to him. maybe i do...maybe i never did mean anything, but either way i need to know. i need to see him. i only wish he'd give in just once... all i need is to see him once. and i said i'd go to my dad's grave and say goodbye once and for all... but i can't. i can't make myself do it. i know how to get there, well vaguely there's a bunch of detours that i'd have to figure out but i do know how to get there. and i have someone to go with me again... but i'm afraid. i'm terrified. i'm not sure i can really let go of him yet. i said i'd mend all my old friendships...let them go too, but i can't do that either. we hang out now and then again but it's not the same and it still hurts sometimes that i can't go to them, but i can't say goodbye to them either. i seem to only be fucking up more friendships lately, rather than fixing the few i thought were the only ones i'd ever have to worry about like that. so basically this summer i've achieved one concrete goal i set. i should be ecstatic... but what happens when these 2 weeks fly by and i haven't done a damn thing about the rest of them? can i go off to school without do any of this... can i just ignore the fact that things have gone unsaid and unfinished and undealt with? i'm not sure. how does the summer slip away so fast?

living it up and fading away,
Jenny