Now Playing: My Chemical Romance "Helena"

been in lust a few times
but loves a little much
can't quite process it yet
but i'm craving his touch

is it lust or is it love
i'm so confused i could burst
am i overreacting, underestimating
could i truly be this cursed?

if love was supposed to hurt so badly
why am i dying to fall so hard again
his eyes bewitch my very senses
he's slowly but surely sneaking in.

so i've been sitting and thinking about this same fucked up situation for like weeks now... i've been trying to figure everything out. i have been trying to figure out why i fell for him so hard. he's an asshole sometimes, but he's sweet too...and i'm finally deciding that i need to get it all out. i need to figure out why i like him so much. so here it goes. he's different than all the rest... sure he's a lot like the last guy i fell for, but he's so much more too. it melts my heart that he can't spell to save his life, but can reason things out and sound like the most intelligent person in the world. he's a straight thinker...a good liar, and he's optomistic. he's a good talker...a good manipulator, he can make me do things with just a look in those beautiful blue eyes. to be honest i thought they were brown until the other day, but i looked into them once and they caught me... i haven't been able to look away once. i love how he calls me jen... even though it grates on my nerves, i just love it. i love it because no one else calls me that, and because he only does it to piss me off. i like how he calls me beautiful even though i don't think he's right. i love how he's trying to quit smoking for me, and that he took care of me when i was sick even though he was about a second from puking himself. i like how he lays with me and pulls me close and whispers in my ear that he could lay there forever. he makes me feel so wanted, so loved, so pretty...so perfect. i love that he can pull off those extremely ridiculous cop sunglasses and bubblegum pink shirts. i love the way he smells, especially right after he's showered. and this is going to sound completely ridiculous but the thing that i like about him most is that he's not afraid to piss me off. my music is my passion... i don't let anyone fuck with my radio...and i don't allow rap to be played in my car for more than one song, but he does all he can to make sure it gets turned on. i love that we have completely different tastes in music. but what really makes me smile is the fact that after being with him for a week straight he searches for country stations on the radio, knows all the words to at least 4 fall out boy songs, turns off his rap songs when they are halfway through, and is finally coming around to the obscure punk rock CD's in my collection. i'm rubbing off on him and I love it. i love that he's spontaneous because it's so exciting. if someone will go to a public beach without their swimsuit and see a bridge they want to jump off into a river that may or may not be deep enough and strips down to their underwear in front of countless people and just jumps without a second thought....that's hot. i love how unpredictable everyday is with him. i love not knowing what he's going to say next or do next. i think i'm falling a little too hard.

fall without purpose, land without cause,
Jenny

Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: George Strait "Check Yes or No"

these lies are leaving teardrops
and trails to my stricken heart
it's beating, it's breaking
i feel as if i'll fall apart.

i like him a little too much
and respect her a little too less
she's lied just as i have in the past
how'd I get myself into this mess?

i love him, she's leavin
and i'm wondering if it's wrong
am i a hypocrite, a fuckup
why can't i just be strong?

lies make the world go round til it's spinning out of control...we're halfway to hell and wondering when we'll just finally get there.

what the hell do you do when you fall in love with someone you just can't be with? what the hell do you do? i've been lieing for what feels like my entire life now. i literally cannot tell my best friend in the world the biggest news i've had in months. i can't tell her i have a semi-boyfriend. i can't tell her i lost my virginity...and i can't tell her that i could possibly be in love. i wanna scream it from the rooftops... or just whisper it in the rain. it would kill her though. it would destroy her to know that after all we've been through and after all the problems us being together has caused that i'd still risk it to be with him. i can't stay away though. he is so fucking imperfect sometimes that he's just perfect. i don't know how to even explain it. i didn't even realize how much he was like my last lust/love obsession until it was entirely too late and i was already falling. he's exactly like him. the same family situations, the same fucked up sense of self, the same eyes even. they are complete opposites on the outside...but once i kept digging deeper and deeper they are the same. it's scary sometimes, because i haven't talked to him or even seen my old best guy friend in like months but i'll be sitting with this new guy and i forget that they're not the same person. i feel exactly the same with them both, but this one actually likes me back. this one isn't afraid to tell me what's going on or call me on my bullshit or just sit with me in complete silence. he is everything that my old love was... but he's everything he wasn't too. i'm scared that that's the only reason i like him this much though, that it's the only reason i'm falling so hard... i want him to be someone else so badly that i'm ignoring things that i shouldn't. and i could possibly be losing the best two friends i've ever had in the process... i'm not sure if it's worth it all. but it is...it feels like it is. and that sounds like a bunch of bullshit because friends come first, but it's how i feel. i'm sick and tired of having to give up what i really want because someone else isn't happy. she doesn't even want him, she just doesn't want me to have him...and it's selfish. i love her to death, but she's not thinking of anyone but herself in this situation. why should i have to sit here and possibly lose someone that i could be happy with when she's leaving to move all the way across the country in a little over a week? why do i always have to lose what i really want... i feel like i give up everything that means anything to me. i give in so easily, i'm afraid to let anyone else get hurt...but i'm sick of hurting. i am sick and tired of being the one that gives everything up. and so i will lie... so no one gets hurt. he told me that lies can save friendships...and this could very well destroy ours whether she finds out or not because if i can't tell her any of this is it really a friendship? i don't think it really is... and that hurts even more sometimes. he says she's lied to me to and that hurts too... because i don't know what it's about. i don't want to believe that she could act like i'm acting now... and i'm being a hypocrite to say this but i can't believe she'd do something like that. i'm being forced to... but what the hell could possess her to do it? i'm so fucking confused right now.

Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Kenny Chesney "Young"... ya ya my grad song... feeling a little lonely i guess
feeling a little lonely
feeling a little left behind
they're laughin, they're partying
she tries to act like she don't mind

but she's feeling lonely, a little too much
and she's feeling loved, a little too little
she's stretching those fingers for their hands
but they refuse to meet her in the middle.

so i think i figured out exactly why i've done what i've done in the past. i fucked up every single friendship i ever had... i never did it on purpose, or thought I did anyway. I just would always do something or let something get to me so much that it was impossible to look at those people the same. lately it's not like that though, i'm not disappointed in people or reading too far into their flaws... i'm fucking it up. i'm doing things i know will ruin it all because i know i am going to be left behind and i figure if they have a reason to leave me maybe it won't hurt so bad. it won't just be like they don't care about me, it'll be like they can't care. i'm so angry at my friends for moving away that i have to jeopardize all the years we've been building these awesome friendships just so i can feel like i deserve to be left. that's why i'm still doing shit with the guy that almost broke my best friend and me apart...that's why i'm not calling some people, or why i'm talking behind their backs knowing that one day they'll find out. i'm bitter, and i need to stop. i need to realize that everyone has to grow up... they have to follow their dreams, and sometimes even their family across the country. they aren't doing it to hurt me. they aren't leaving me behind because they don't love me... it's just life. and i know all of this. i'm not stupid, i know that, but it hurts so bad sometimes that i convince myself that i'm to blame...that i wasn't ever enough. cause really was i?

Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: something corporate "me and the moon"

his eyes are barely locked
but she tries to make them waver
she shakes and she shivers
hoping he still wants her.

they're doin a crazy dance
knowing it's out out of tune
but she's singing off key
Hoping he'll notice her soon.

she's fucking up with reason
she's bound to get caught in time
she'll get what she wants out of it
If she can balance his blurry lines.


Life gets crazy sometimes, but I think when your a senior and just out of highschool trying to live your summer up for all it's worth, you don't really notice. I mean you party whenever you can... you have exactly 3 months of summer before you leave everything you know behind. You almost have to go a little overboard to make it worth it. But one day you wake up and have to wonder if you shouldn't be doing it. It never crosses your mind to stop, but you have to sit and wonder for at least 30 seconds if you shouldn't slow down a bit. It's not like you have a problem, your just doing too much to have fun. you are becoming a different person without even knowing it. you get more open, more trusting, more careless. you get hurt a lot easier. things hit you a lot harder. because when you wake up in the morning, okay maybe afternoon, after a night of partying you just have this guilt... or maybe you just don't remember anything...and it hurts for a while. who did you fuck over? what secrets did you let loose? We never stop though... we think maybe we should, but we don't. because it's fun and it's freeing. and freedom is the american way.

drink yourself sober, you'll never feel a thing,
Jenny

Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Hawthorne Heights "Ohio is for Lovers"
darkness covering blind desires
the lights are low and covers drawn
he's holding tight to false hopes
that she'll come back with the dawn

but she's holding on to secrets
that she can't quite pay the cost
she wants to wander back to him
but she's a little too lost

she wants to believe she can hide him
but love and lies are not her specialty
she can't hide such an obvious betrayal
those praying eyes are bound to see.

it's the one struggle I have never had to deal with...until now that is. to be caught between a boy and a best friend, it's earthshattering. there are so many emotions and so few answers. i cannot betray my best friend. not after all the years she has been there through the laughs and tears and struggles and heartaches. but i can't help but want him. i love the attention he pays me and the way i shiver whenever his hand brushes my stomach or my shoulder. i love the way he wants to hold my hand. it's intoxicating. it's addictive and i can't stop myself sometimes. i know he's not right for me, but it doesn't stop my wanting him so badly. i don't care that he has baggage and could break up the most meaningful friendship i've ever had. i don't care that he can't possibly be this caring and completely commitable boy he paints the picture of being when we're alone. i just want things to work out perfectly... just once. but it can't. because no boy is worth the pain i felt for the 24 hours my best friend couldn't even look at me. i wish i could convince myself of that when his hands are snaking their way to making me shiver though.

Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Rascal Flatts "Bless the Broken Road"
the train is almost home
but it's falling off the tracks
we all know where it's headed
and wish it wasn't going back.

the windows rattle, shake and groan
we're not sure we're gonna make it home
but it was never a home, it's true
no, not without you

we spend our entire lives trying to be someone that we're not. our entire lives...we try to be someone that is pretty, smart, and nice. nine times out of ten we are not that person. i'm not that person. i realized this when i could hurt my best friend in the entire world. we try to be perfect human beings, but it's just not possible. we will hurt people, we will always hurt them. and in the process we will hurt ourselves too, because one day we all wake up and realize that we're not pretty, and we're not smart, and we're not nice. we're just people living our lives...we'll make mistakes and fuck over people that we love. and sometimes there's no coming back from that. sometimes it's just over.

Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Brad Paisley "whiskey lullaby"
So here we are again
halfway off the edge it seems
my thread has long since broke
and I'm hangin on by a splinter.


hmm so I guess I should introduce myself. I'm jenny. this is my blog/journal/diary whatever the hell you'd like to call it. It's all the randomness that is me, so deal with it. It is what it is.

love and live and leave,
jenny